Want some love pie? Then let your lady garden grow!
Welcome to our latest column, The Babe's Bible, and our newest opinion columnist Charlotte Kymberley. This week Charlotte expounds her theory on why girls should never shave their ladygardens if they really and truly want a taste of love pie...
Girls, is it always the same thing for us?
You spy a hot man, he saunters over... a few chat up lines and bang. He's got his arm around you, possibly his tongue down your throat, some roving hands on your bubbies and before you can say 'easy, tiger!' he's saying 'your place or mine'.
Oh what an exciting opportunity awaiting you! You envisage hot, rampant, sweaty sexual positions that render your man of choice speechless at your sexual technique.
'My god woman, where did you learn that?' he gasps as you deliver your finest ever Bobby Joe.
'I'm just naturally talented at pleasure' you purr back at him.
But life unfortunately enjoys laughing at our sexual mishaps. And as my vast experience of life has at least taught me how not to do things, I shall now explain my theory...
In an ideal world your legs would be as smooth as a baby's bottom, your underwear would match and your lady garden would be trimmed and preened to within an inch of its little life.
But no... your legs resemble a cactus from the Wild West and your muff needs serious shearing, let alone a trim and a pluck.
Why so long? Well, don't the boys know that to obtain a Hollywood or a Brazilian, which they favour so greatly, there actually needs to be a substantial amount of bush to wax?
How many times have you spent hours and hours planning a hot night out with the intention to pull?
How many times have you spent hours deliberating on what to wear, showering, gunking up in face masks, moisturising, applying a new hair do, locating new panties and push up bra and finally, embarking on that Lady Garden wax, only to have a man-drought so horrific that you binge drink and cry until you coin a new stage of drunkenness?
Leaving the club with your new Faith heels clasped firmly in hand, your eyeliner smudged from exacerbated hand motions to the girls relating of your single despair, you then crack onto anyone you stumble into. And when even the mingers knock you back, you go home alonge and throw your new clothes on the floor in a huff.
Do you recognise yourself in that? Then you'll probably agree that in all the times you've pulled yourself a cracker, you've had either one or all of the following:
1) Your period
2) An overgrown bush
3) An overgrown bush AND very hairy legs
The next morning, waking up in his bed, you'll have forgotten your make-up, wake up looking like the back end of a bus, and have to undergo the Walk Of Shame. I don't need to explain that one to you.
So the moral of this story is to to not try so hard, grow your body hair, pull that lad and switch off them lights!
So long as you don't let him touch your legs or your muff he'll think your purpose for the evening is to pleasure him.
Say things like 'Oh no, don't worry about me, I'll finish myself off'.
He'll like that.