What sort of band groupie are you?

by Leah Ludlow

Slightly dark, but true - all bands get groupies, as do all famous and talented people, from Stephen Hawking to Stephen Fry. You may wish to be a groupie. You may be one already, and wonder what sort of groupie you are. This guide will help you decide.

Woohoo... The best season of the year is nearly upon us. Not Christmas, but festival season! Unlike Christmas (which not everyone can get involved in and is spectacularly flawed anyway) there is a festival for whatever musical denomination you belong to.

The music, drinking and chilling rock, but if we throw off our coy hats for a moment, we all really love (and hope for) attention from, and hang-out time with, our favourite band.

The only question is, if all goes to plan (as it should do if you read my previous guide on how not to look like a groupie freak...!) what sort of band girl will you be?

The Dogsbody

It's always appreciated if you help out carrying bits and pieces, but there are those who are too eager to please. Case in point: I turned up at my frontman friend's house once to find 3 fans doing his cleaning and hoovering. Not recommended for coolness, but at least you have the advantage of being useful!

The Furniture

You are more like one of the lads, the 5th/6th member of the band. You generally get the drinks in, jam with the guys, and after a few sessions people start asking 'where is ...?'. A good place to be!

The Bad Groupie

You are attracted to him, he's attracted to you, you're gonna get action, but it's gonna be superficial and may be the only opportunity. Starfucking won't gain you popularity, but if that's all you're after, enjoy it while it happens!

The Good Groupie

You help out with the odd errand, sell their merchandise, blog about them, maybe lend them a tenner or translate something if it's a foreign festival. Not quite as in with the group as furniture, not as slavishly treated as dogsbody. Acceptable middle ground!

The Ugly Groupie

Not referring to your looks, but dark, stalkerish behaviour. If you think you may be verging on this, restrain yourself and take a cold bath.

The Penny Lane

If you haven't seen Almost Famous, watch it. Not only is it a great snapshot of every music journo's fantasy, Penny Lane is a great mixture of most of the above. She epitomises the role every girl secretly wants to play to the band. However, not without its downsides... Just watch it to see what I mean!

The Muse / Supergroupie

Think Pamela Des Barres, one of my heroines. If you achieve this status, you've made it. You may be well on the way to being a band girlfriend. You're cool, fun, close to the band, have privileges and are always on the guestlist or have access to the tourbus. The front man will probably have taken a particular shine to you...!

The Confidante

The band trust you with more, ahem, sensitive info. If you feel comfortable running errands of a more secret nature, it's up to you, but don't take the rap for anyone. No band is worth that. Being a confidante is cool, but you must be a million percent trustworthy. Prepare to get subtly tested by the band before you become a full-on confidante.

So there you have it: A basic breakdown of groupie positions available for the taking. Which groupie am I? That would be telling. More importantly, which groupie would you be?

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