Feminism is...
STYLE: how to wear a t-shirt
by Deborah Taylor
Ever since Frankie said we should relax, slogans on t-shirts have been moderately popular. But they are a potential fashion disaster if you get the wrong one. Worry no more, for here is the indispensable guide for anyone considering bearing their soul on their chest.
Rule 1 - No Band t-shirts
Never wear a band t-shirt. Ever. For a start, it looks a bit sad. All those people, mooching around in their nihilistic NIN long sleeved tops, or with Marilyn Manson's face staring out at you, or, if you are of a certain age, Iron Maiden's Eddy reaching out towards you. It's tacky, don't bother. If you can't suggest the type of music you enjoy through your usual style of dress, then stay indoors. You have no style. You are not fit to be seen on the streets.
Also, they don't do t-shirts that encompass all the music genres I like and I refuse to pick just the one.
Rule 2 - No Logos
Don't pay to advertise Nike. Pay to advertise yourself. You are not your t-shirt brand. You are all individuals. Tell them to FCUK off.
Rule 3 - No Drugs
Ok, I'm going to say this now, to get it out of the way. Drugs aren't cool.
I'm not saying don't do drugs, because, well, drugs can be fun. But they are not fucking cool. Face it, who makes a big thing out of doing drugs. That's right, those snot-nosed chavs who think they are hard because they smoke dope.
It's not counter-culture or revolutionary to be proud of smoking dope. Most people I know smoke, or have smoked dope. It's like walking round, acting tough because you smoke Silk Cut.
Get a fucking life and a better t-shirt
Rule 4 - Retro
Rhoobarb. Pob. Dangermouse. Hartley Hare. Heroes and icons everyone. And, given enough time, they will feature on a t-shirt. I will not deny these shirts their time in the sun, just remember that today's Retro is tomorrow's nostalgia and next Wednesday's dork. If you buy one of these shirts, remember it has a short shelf life.
But it'll be back in fashion again in a few months, so don't worry too much.
Rule 5 - Political Slogans
I remember I used to have a t-shirt of a young woman shouting at a soldier, who was doing his best to ignore her and not shoot her with the big fuck-off gun he was pointing just past her. It was a 'Get out of Ireland' t-shirt. Whilst I wore it, where I lived was never, ever targeted by the IRA. Not once.
Such is the power of political t-shirts. Either that or where I live is so boring even the IRA wouldn't bomb it.
Political t-shirts are great fun, you feel good wearing them, like you're really making a difference. Then someone starts an argument with you in a pub over it and, well, things get complicated and you wish you'd worn your Clangers t-shirt instead. (This happens, I once had a heated discussion about the relative benefits of Trotskyist and Leninist Marxism, just because I was wearing a red star badge. Trotskyism is the natural way forward though.)
Politically themed t-shirts are like a loaded gun. Don't carry one unless you're willing to use it.
Rule 6 - 'Funny' T-shirts
Oh, how we laugh at those wonderful t-shirts advertised in Fortean Times or Bizarre and on t-shirthell.com. They are so funny. Some of them are. In fact most of them are.
The first time.
So whilst that slogan looks witty on the web site and puts on interesting spin on the Star Wars logo, ask yourself, after you've stood at an ironing board staring at it for the seventeenth time, is it still funny? Is it?
Obviously the thing to remember with anything is context. Wearing a t-shirt stating you're 'not a terrorist' on the tube might not be the best idea. Most people won't get the joke. But wearing it to a party will make you the most popular person there.
The solution is to have either many slogan t-shirts, so you are never caught wearing the same one twice. Or just have a select handful, to be deployed strategically.
Though naturally, the slogan t-shirt you must own states nice and clearly exactly just what sort of Mookychick you are.
