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20 Ways... to survive Australia
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by Laura Jackel and Deb Caine
Coming to Australia? British ex-pats Laura Jackel and Deb Caine give you the lowdown on what to expect, avoid and embrace in the 'lucky country'...
1. Beware large insects and spiders - nothing can prepare you for flying cockroaches the size of a standard carrot coming at you on a hot summer's night. Spiders can and will bite you if you piss them off enough - remember this.
2. Marry a local as we did! Fast-track yourself into Aussie culture; people will treat you (almost) as a native and you'll inherit an instant network of friends and 'relies'. It goes without saying that this could be deemed as either a positive or negative factor to married life.
3. Listen out for the numerous noisy birds. 'Waking up in Jurassic park' was one of my first observations on arrival to Aus. I swear pterodactyls are alive and well in the Australian bush. Also look out for Magpies in spring, they will swoop you if you happen to be close to their nest.
4. Learn the slang: Note to self: 'Pommie bashing' isn't as scary as it sounds – although still rather humiliating. This commonly used phrase refers to the serious ridicule inflicted on the British after another sporting defeat. Other everyday slang to be aware of includes 'pants' (trousers, not g-string), 'thongs' (flip-flops, again not g-string) and 'root,' (let's just say an act between consenting adults that doesn't involve gardening).
5. Hot sun = sunburn. The Aussies may laugh at our pale Englishness but when visiting Bondi as a seasoned ex-pat, I now fully comprehend the situation. The lobster look has never been attractive - please people, apply the factor 30+, stay out of the midday sun, or for god sake get a fake tan, you are shaming the nation.
6. Take up numerous sporting hobbies – simultaneously is best. The Aussies love their sport and are darn good at it. Earn instant respect by telling all and sundry that you're in training for the local 'Iron Woman' competition. But beware; although winning said event would elevate you to demi-goddess status, being carted away during the first heat would induce serious bout of 'Pommie bashing' – see point four.
7. Watch out for cheap imitations - chocolate in Australia takes some getting used to. I am not sure if it is the cow's milk or some ingredient to stop it melting but nothing will ever match the flavour of a good old British dairy milk!
8. Learn how to fry a shrimp (and other BBQ foods). Yes it's true, Aussies really do love a good BBQ and these are often the centre-piece to a get together – even popping up at corporate social functions. Although typically the domain of the Australian male; earn yourself some friends by cooking up a storm for everyone.
9. Note the strange fascination and tourist attraction that is 'Big Plastic Things'. There is the big prawn at Ballina, the big banana at Coffs Harbour and the two big pineapples in Queensland, the list goes on. Strange but true.
10. Be Prepared: Pack yourself a mini-survival kit. One minute your jolly party of Brits are cruising past beautifully stark landscapes, miles from civilization, when without warning that dodgy car you'd purchased for fifty bucks conks out. If you're heading outback or heading bush; be sure to take along a hat, plenty of water, snacks, sun cream and water purifier tablets just in case.
11. Prepare for your name to be changed. Henderson becomes Hendo, Fitzroy becomes Fitzy; no surname is safe. If you escape the surname adaptation, your first name might not be so lucky. Think Wazza, Kazza, Mezza, Dicko etc...
12. Learn to love coffee and all its sub-varieties. From the humble cappuccino to the impressive soy-decaf latte, Australian city types sure love their coffee. Don't be surprised if a local suggests meeting up for a coffee rather than 'a drink'. Initially café culture may seem a bit tame compared to our sturdy pub upbringing, but think chic and revel in that rare non-hangover high.
13. TV advertising – god awful cheap car ads run alongside multinational brands. Low rates mean that absolutely anyone can advertise their business on TV in Aus and we all suffer in the process.
14. Indulge in the local cuisine. Aussie kids were bought up on Vegemite and Milo (think malty-chocolate milkshake) and you should make the effort to sample both. Seriously though, being a multicultural society, means that there's a huge selection of foods to enjoy. Noodles are a quick snack fave as are smoothies and Boost Juice.
15. Country Aus vs. Beachy Aus. The hot surfer stereotypes from Summer Bay really do exist as do the 'Ute' driving, cattle dog owning, cowboy hat wearing farm boys from A Country Practice. Get to know them both.
16. Know the emergency number. Note that it is not 911 but 000. It's always handy to know the emergency number of the country you're in should you find yourself in a jam.
17. Pokies are the collective name for poker machines or fruit machines that litter pubs, clubs and casinos Australia wide. Aussies love to gamble, so grab your spare change and play the pokies like a local!
18. Study the country's geography. Be aware that if a local tells you they live 'just down the road,' a spur of the moment visit could involve over an hours drive in a hot car. It's wise to plan trips ahead as quite frankly Australia is humungous meaning that landscapes and climates vary from state to state.
19. Worried your kids will never go to bed? Never fear, Big Dog is here! The vaguely big brother-esque NSW TV night-time tradition featuring a man in a dog suit putting on his pyjamas and hitting the sack is the Australian way to get the kiddies to go to bed. Whatever works for you.
20. Watch what the locals watch. From 70's & 80s Brit comedy to Seinfeld – Aussies love to laugh. Indulge in a bit of pop culture and laugh along with them. Initiate yourself by into Aussie humour by viewing the Aussie cult classic 'The Castle'.
About the author
Laura Jackel and Deborah Caine are 20-something pommie ex-pats living with their Aussie men in New South Wales. Although getting on a bit, both still enjoy a good night out with mates as well as travelling, writing and shopping. Their bestselling book on living in Australia is potentially out next year!
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