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University Crush

Entry 5 - Tears before bedtime

charlotte kymberley: university crush UNIVERSITY CRUSH

by Charlotte Kymberley

Imagine an alternative Bridget Jones. Now welcome to University Crush.

Leli Hetheridge is a college-based would-be uber-goddess flirting with life, lesbianism, shitty phone sex, worse drugs, 'sleep with your best friend' dilemnas and more.

Life doesn't have to be this hard, but isn't it more fun when it is? Read the new installment every wednesday...

New to UNIVERSITY CRUSH? Read it from the beginning...

I am just a fucking waste of time... I want to escape my addictive body. Last night I stuffed about 3 grammes of cocaine up my nose - I also drank champagne and talked forever, felt amazing, in London, drinking amazing drinks that tasted good instead of the usual shite, and I felt alive. For the first time in months I felt peaceful.

But I know it wasn't true. I wasn't prepared for this comedown - I didn't realise and didn't remember just how bad it is for me. I just want to cry. I want to die! I really, really do.

Now I don't care about my panic attacks, but I just can't keep going through this emotional hell...I just can't get it right, I can't pull myself together, I'd be better off dead, I just want to crawl away and die.

I start listing the ways I've fucked up.

I don't even want to be a writer. What's the point?

I'm never gonna live in London. I just couldn't. It's all too much for me.

I know I've put Delilah off me.

I want to be perfect, but in my quest to be this amazing girl I just falter at the starting line.

It just isn't working for me, this life. I'm sorry...

Some suicide note... I awake, curled up on a bed - Delilah is already in the kitchen shuffling around. I'm leaving today, it's time to go and see "my secret boyfriend". This lesbian rock chick thing isn't working out for me, I'm falling for her and there's nothing I can do. I stumble up, put my clothes on. How did I end up naked? She comes through and smiles at me. Nothing bothers Delilah.

"Hey you," she says, stroking my hair from my face. "I thought we'd make a move soon."

"Ok, as you wish." I squeak.

Her car rumbles into the bus station, where I'm to catch my National Express at 2.45.

It's running late. I'm making things so awkward, I know that I am.

"I think we should talk," I say, turning to her. She looks startled, but takes a cigarette from her bag before nodding.

"What's happening with us?" I ask. Heart beating so fast I'm sure it's going to leap from my chest and grab her by the throat. Either that or spurt off down the road towards the nearest pub.

"What do you mean?" she drawls. "We're friends right?" Her green eyes wander up to lock with mine.

"Special friends." She smiles. I smile. She is infectious.

I want to open up and tell her that I only want to lie in her arms, that when I'm with her I escape into another lifetime, a lifetime where things are happy and I am peaceful.

"Do you mind if I head off sweets?" she says.

I fucking mind, I don't want her to go! Why is she leaving me?

"No it's fine, you head off."

"Thanks." She grabs me for a hug, her perfume wafts up my nose, "See you."

I wave at her as she walks away from me towards her clapped out Renault. I don't speak. I just smoke.

On the bus, I cry. I play my music from my phone, and I snivel like a fucked up loon. It's what I am. I curl up, tears streaming down my face, joining my snotty nose. My heart aches, my body aches, I just want to be with her...

How can I have felt so amazing, be so confident, so alive only a few hours beforehand, and now I'm comedown queen of the century?

Eventually the bus pulls into the station and my sister Lou awaits me armed with a copy of Heat magazine. She knows how to cheer me up!

I stumble off the coach, wiping snot and tears off my face on the sleeve of my jacket.

"Oh my darling, what's happened?" she pulls me close as I dissolve even further into emotional crisis, burying my head in her jacket, I sob my heart out, it is physically breaking.

"What have you done?" she soothingly strokes my hair.

"I've got a hangover." Well that's not entirely a lie is it; after all, I did drink alcohol. My eyes are puffy, my face is streaked. Lou piles me into her car and as we drive home, I catch her glancing over at me as my body heaves up and down in a succession of sniffles.

She opens the door, holds my hand and guides me inside where I sit down on the couch.

"I've fucked up." I say.

"What have you done Leli? I'm not stupid - I know there's more to it, what's his name?"

"It's not a guy, it's a girl."

"A girl?" she sounds shocked, but not altogether weirded out, which I guess is a good thing.

"I fucked up Lou, I took cocaine and slept with Delilah and now I think I'm a lesbian and a drug addict and I feel so fucking bad that I want to die and I just, I just, I'm just hurting to much, I can't cope, what am I going to do?" I break down again.

"Oh shit." Lou says. "You really did fuck up."

"Thanks Lou! You're supposed to make me feel better...not shout at me!"

"But you promised, Leli," says my sister. You promised me you'd never touch drugs again. Not after the last time. I don't care if you're fucking the entire female army, your sexuality doesn't bother me - I just want you to be happy! But when you take one step forward and five steps back, I often wonder why I put myself through this... why any of us do."

"Then fucking don't!" I scream, standing up and storming out. I can't see straight, I feel so alone. A hand grabs me round the shoulder and it's Lou. She's not finished with me yet, even if I want to be finished with her. She's really upset. I've really upset her.

"You put me on an emotional rollercoaster." She yells in my ear, not quiet like she was before. "Leli, you've changed! What's happened to my confident vivacious sister? What's happened to you? Why don't you want to help yourself?"

"I do!" I cry, "I really do, but I'm just sick of it all, I'm sick of feeling anxious twenty four seven, I'm sick of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I'm sick of being me, and when I take drugs, I am not me, I am the me before, if that makes sense, I am at peace, I just want some release from all this, just a break."

Lou is still holding me as I slide down the wall onto my arse. Head in hands I cry some more.

"I understand that babe." Lou soothes. "I really do."

"You fucking don't have a clue, none of you do. You don't know what it's like to hate yourself so much you drive a knife or a nail file, a pair of tweezers or a piece of glass into your body, to punish yourself because you deserve it."

"Maybe I don't." she says. "But I know what it's like to hurt."

I sigh, Tears streaming down my face, wringing my hands in desperation.

"I want to die."

"No, Leli, you don't. You have a comedown, it's going to go, I promise."

"I don't believe you." I mumble.

"Trust me." She holds me, pulls me close into her as I rock, silent apart from my tears.

With the greatest love in the world, it'll be an honour to all concerned if you want to link to University Crush. if you steal this without the express written permission of Charlotte Kymberly, you are legally screwed.

About the author

Charlotte Kimberley has been to Uni and quit, has partied like it's going out of fashion, has had her hair every colour under the sun, and believes in bohemian life, love and happiness! As a freelance journalist she's been a celebrity columnist and an Instant Messenger sex therapist, as well as a sex columnist for MAXIM man's magazine. Like a duracell bunny or an Ann Summers rabbit, she just don't stop.
Read her 'Babe's Bible' column Read her serialisation of 'University Crush'Read the mooky advice column

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University Crush

Entry 5 - Tears before bedtime

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