13 Glorious Reasons to Love Pacific Rim

Okay, so this review contains plot spoilers about meaningful shoes, but you seriously don’t need to worry about that because Pacific Rim is AMAZING.

Guillermo del Toro has done yet another beautifully mad Hollywood money-spinner, which is wonderful news since it gives him the financial freedom to make European lovelies like Pan’s Labyrinth. This one is about alien monsters from the deep (kaiju) who can only be sensibly fought with giant robot hunters (jaegers). When it comes to del Toro’s blockbuster offerings, ‘Pacific Rim’ is… well, it’s…

13 Glorious Reasons to Not Watch Pacific Rim

1. Yeah, look, that sword is quite good actually. And the scissors. Maybe you should have used them earlier on.

2. Are they the perfect mind-meld partner to help you operate a giant robot? Only one sure way to find out. HIT THEM WITH A STICK.

3. Not one but two funny scientists? I feel a hashtag coming on. #trulyblessed

4. Viewers: Experience sleepless nights wondering if the three-armed robot came first or the triplets operating them.

5. Building something nuclear? Super. Stick to the heroics; radiation shields are for babies, and babies are stupid can’t operate giant robots.

6. “Protect the city [the unspoken bit: for just shy of five minutes]. There are MILLIONS OF PEOPLE THERE.”

7. Viewers: When a meaningful shoe is picked up off the street, think to yourself “wouldn’t it be arty and amazing if this meaningful shoe was never explained?” (It is).

8. “Brace! Brace!” … You’re in water. Brace against what, you muppet?

9. “You don’t need to know my backstory”. In ten minutes’ time, you will tell us your backstory.

10. WOAH. A different meaningful shoe is picked up off the street. COME ON, NOW. TWICE IN ONE FILM?

11. You need alien DNA to go down a magical thing, that’s science. Alien DNA to get back up will not be required, so relax.

12. By the last scene you realise the only character names you know are Mako and Idris Elba. Sorry. That’s Marshal Idris Elba to you.

13. “I will always be there for you.” You literally won’t.

This film is so epic I’m going to give it 5 stars: Vega, Sirius, Rigel, Polaris Australis, Asellus Borealis… they’re all yours, Pacific Rim. Take ’em away, 2013 has a winner.

FINAL RESULT: MONSTERS VERSUS GIANT ROBOTS THIS FILM IS AMAZING