How to Have a Goldilocks Tea Party

Hey, Goldilocks. You trespassed in Bear Cottage and stole stuff, and that is not cool. Now make polite and invite the bears into YOUR home…

The afternoon tea party was big in Vicwardian times. Here on Mookychick we have a million and one tea party ideas (just try our search box). The thing is… when you’re inviting over some wild megafauna who caught you stealing red-handed, this is one tea party you really have to get right.

Sorry Is The Hardest Word to Say

I’m sorry. Sometimes people – and bears – really need to hear you say the words, you know? You really freaked Mother Bear out, sneaking into her house like that, and Baby Bear is going to struggle to get the nutrients he needs to do his best at school and one day go to Bear College if people keep stealing his porridge. So make a really nice invitation card and apologise in writing. If the Bears reply ASAP without gnashing at the invitation card in rage, chances are the healing process can begin.

Make Your Ursine Guests Feel Welcome

It’s a bit of psychology, but a large welcome mat saying WELCOME will make the bears feel like they really are welcome. As opposed to walking into a trap, which you are definitely not setting. Also, ensure the mat is large enough to account for bear paws. Otherwise it will work great as a friendly, welcomey message, but not so effectively as a mat for bears. Also, it’s super-great that your daddy’s a woodsman, but those stuffed bear trophies on the walls? Maybe hide them in the attic for a while.

Porridge! Accessibility! Do not on pain of death wear this suit. It makes you look like a cultural appropriator AND bona fide bear killer.

Porridge

You’re an oat thief, right? It’s not news, we all know, but people can change and serving porridge will let the bears address the past if they need to. They want to turn the tea party into an intervention? It’s their call. Just breathe deep and suck it up like the penitent oat-stealing breaker-and-enterer you are. Note: Bears are probably not gluten-intolerant because they have a varied forest diet which isn’t largely dependent on one homogenous grain, but it might be an idea to check first.

Accessibility

Baby Bear’s pretty tiny (after all, you broke his chair) but Mother and Father Bear are HUGE. Don’t make it into an issue. Consider cushions and low tables instead of chairs. Normally we’d say a tea party deserves your finest china. This time round, consider shatterproof pretty picnic bowls and cups in calming joyful patterns that do not make bears subconsciously think of blood/revenge. The Emma Bridgewater things pictured are ideal, because no handles. Tricky cup handles drive bears nuts.

Claw Sandwiches

DO serve finger sandwiches to show you’re willing to go the extra mile – bears can skewer them on their clever claws whilst appreciating their dainty deliciousness. DO NOT refer to them as finger sandwiches, please. Ableism and speciesism is not the effect you’re going for. Think about your terminology. Claw sandwiches for all.

Don’t Be Evil

Lastly, concerned woodland neighbours and family might say that, by inviting three dangerous beasts you have wronged into your home, you’re being terribly thoughtless and, potentially, a Very Silly Girl. They might suggest that No Good Will Come Of It, and shake their heads sadly and wisely. They may go on to propose Some Sort Of A Plan – one that no doubt involves muskets and bear traps and lying, and that’s okay, because apparently lying to bears is okay.

Kill the bears and be done with it, they’ll whisper, and their words will sound sweet.

Don’t listen to them. Killing anyone you’ve invited to tea is wrong.

Come on, Goldlilocks. Time to make good. When the bears have left, with everyone’s dignity and hopefully innards intact, remember to send a follow-up card thanking them for a lovely time.