How to Hide in a Cupboard

Have you ever wanted to tuck yourself into a cupboard, closet or cabinet because it would make you happy? This is how.

Oh, dear! She still appears to have an appliance in there. Take it out, hiding-in-cupboard lady! More room for you!

How to Hide in a Cupboard

First sneak in the kitchen

And open the door

To whichever cabinet

Lies close to the floor.

Walk softly, be catlike

For this is a process

Requiring precision, concentration and skill

Carefully, now

Take it slowly; enjoy the thrill…

Of pushing aside the spices on the shelf

Shimmy right in, crouch and be small

Position yourself

It may not be too comfy at all

But half the joy of being trapped in cabinets is being discovered.

So SCREAM!

Trapped in Cabinets: A more Detailed Summary.

Shutting yourself in a cabinet or closet can be very useful. It can be used for stealth, eavesdropping, and texting. It can be used for building a very small kingdom which mostly consists of you and a few small square inches of space. If you’re shutting yourself in a cabinet, first find a cabinet that does not have too many shelves. A bathroom cabinet works well for this, as does a closet, an under-sink cabinet, or a drawer under a bed. I highly recommend the latter, because these are usually used for the storage of blankets and are therefore remarkably cosy. I am not suggesting you are in any way a blanket.

If you are using this type of drawer, dress yourself in the same colour as the blankets if you wish to remain undiscovered, and neatly insert yourself between the sheets. Pray that no couples enter while you are there!

If using a bathroom cabinet, move most of the supplies to places where they might normally be left out (shampoos and soap to the shower stall, flat irons, combs, and blow driers to the adjoining bedroom, boxes of toilet paper to beside the toilet, etc.). Curl into the smallest shape you can manage and proceed to perform the task you had hoped to perform.

Closets are almost self explanatory. Yank a raincoat down from a hook and cover yourself with it and a few umbrellas, and you’re set. Just make sure to turn off your phone if someone tries to retrieve a coat (hopefully not the one you are under) or they may be mystified by the soft glow of the large and messy pile on the floor, and your gig is up, my dear fellow mook.

The cabinet under the sink is possibly the most difficult. Often these house a dustbin. Move this obstacle to a very obvious place where it will be easily noticed, and people will dispose of their trash and move on, paying no attention to your misty indigo eye-shadowed eye peeking out most sinisterly from below the sink like a small (though nicely put-together) crow of ill omen. Another problem with the kitchen cabinet is that they are often on the icky side. Put on a relatively long raincoat or smock to be washed afterwards before wedging yourself beneath the sink. Otherwise, this is a very good hiding place to regard passers-by without being noticed.

Cabinets are very useful. There is no denying that. You can store things in them. You can, if you are careful and of a mind to, store yourself in them. If you are doing this to make a splash and not to go unnoticed (also very fun) make sure you apply your very best horror movie scream.

Health and safety is, of course, paramount when secreting yourself into a tiny space. Ensure the cupboard can be open from the inside, do not close it fully, keep a mobile phone with you in case of cupboard-flavoured emergencies and if you see a row of fur coats leave them well alone, because they lead to Narnia and you’ve probably forgotten to pack sandwiches and a winter coat.