I’m not talking dairy. As a big fan of the kitsch, 80’s toys and cartoons, and holidays, here is my quick guide to the wonders of an edam style life.
1. Got a front garden? Buy as many gnomes, cute deer, wishing wells, and windmill things as you can carry. Your garden should look like Minnie Mouse threw up on the lawn. Don’t forget the lit colour-changing water fountain so no one will miss your beautiful spectacle at night.
2. Play Fern Kinney’s “Together we are beautiful” when getting in the mood. Don’t be put off by your partner crying. That’s happiness, not fear.
3. Remember – No decent TV show was made after 1985 and it is still okay to watch He Man even if you are 40 and work in Accounts. In fact, it’s part of the job description.
4. Dig out your big sister/mum/auntie/brother’s (?)… copies of Jackie Magazine for money-saving style tips. You too can knit your own fry-up hat with matching bag. You will be SO down with the kids.
5. Prawn cocktail, Smash, and Arctic roll are the basics needed to make a five course meal for your posh friends from London.
6. Leg warmers were NEVER out of style and anyone who says so deserves a broken bottle of cherry babycham in the face. Fact.
7. Thanks to Cath Kidston selling us ideas that have been around for years and now cost the price of a small island (and what do we get in return? An apron) it is now okay to own chintz.
8. Beehives are not just fashionable, they are useful too. You can keep your shopping up there, saving on plastic bags… and at Christmas you can go to the Christmas party with some old decorations and be the tree.
9. Girls – Ever worn a very tight V-neck tank top in an office full of men? I rest my case.
10. Guys, saying you are into kitsch can finally cover up the fact you still live with your mum and she still dresses you.
11. Never own a car younger than you. That is the excuse needed to explain to your partner why you wasted the rent money on a Robin Reliant in lime green with the seats missing and not explain the real reason… that the guy in the pub said that if you pay in cash now, he’ll send you the fourth wheel free.
12. Weddings are great for cheese-o-rama music. At some point, the Nolans will appear…
13. Even in kitsch circles, Daphne and Celeste are BANNED.
14. Never like a new pop group until exactly ten years have passed since they broke up. Then they become retro and the greatest band ever. See Take That.
15. Pineapple and cheese are much classier if you arrange them in a pineapple. It becomes “Exotic”.
16. Christmas is the kitsch fan’s version of the Olympics. Start training in February.