What to wear for a murder
Assassination is a tough job. You want to be prepared – and that includes being dressed for the part. Do you want the last thing your victim ever sees to be a deplorable fashion faux pas? We didn’t think so.
Dressing the part – Murderous attire
There are essentially two ways to dress for a murder: You can hide, or you can hide in plain sight.
If you want to hide, basic items of assassination attire will include trench coat, sunglasses and newspaper. If it’s rather chilly, gloves and a beret or cloche hat will be useful. Colours will be relatively neutral in order to disappear into crowds easily. Style references include Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) in her spy mode, and Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway) in Get Smart.
If you want to hide in plain sight, go all-out fabulous and dress the murderess siren look. Nobody will suspect at all! Feel free to integrate blood red into your look gown, lipstick, nails, take your pick. Black is also great for slipping into the night and killer heels are a must. Style references include assassins such as Nikita (Peta Wilson or Maggie Q), Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner) from Alias, and Mrs Smith (Angelina Jolie).
Every assasin has their own signature flair. You can be cool, witty, sassy, morbid, dour, enthusiastic – whatever you like. But all fashionable murderesses kill efficiently and cleanly. This cuts down on dry cleaning bills and gives you more time to hide the body. Remember, practice makes perfect.
If you’re a serial killer you can clearly skip this section as you’ve already done the groundwork, but for the rest of us let’s go over the basics:
1) Knife Preferably cleaned and newly sharpened. It also doubles as a lipstick mirror if you’ve polished it well enough.
2) Gun – Make sure you use a silencer, because waking up old people in the middle of the night when they’re trying to sleep is clearly rude.
3) Poison – Today’s busy woman doesn’t have the time to wait for poisons like arsenic that can take years to act. So choose something which is fast-acting, like cyanide or snake venom.
4) Yourself Any worthy murderess knows how to defend herself as well as take down bad guys with martial arts skills.
Make sure you actually have a motive so you can have an interesting story to tell the cops, private detective, or grandkids, depending on which happens first and how clever you’ve been. Typical motives include jealousy, money, vengeance, global domination plans and PMS.
Remember girls, always dress to kill…
Would you trust this woman?
Agent 99 in Get Smart
Hide in plain sight – dress to kill
La Femme Nikita