Extrovert friend

Dear Mookychick,

I have this friend Bex[fake name]. She’s loud, confident and loves to flirt with all the guys. I think she is a totally amazing person and I would never change her. However my other friend Sara[fake name] gets jealous of her all the time. Not because of her appearance but because of the way she acts around new people [guys in particular].

Sara has known Bex for a year now and knows exactly how she acts around guys, so you’d think she’d be used to it. But she’s always starting up drama and getting other people involved. It’s happened so much now that I think Sara is just looking for attention and sympathy from other people, because Bex always ends up being ganged up on and made out to be the bad one. Some of the things Sara and the other people she has got involved have said to bex have been really cruel. In my opinion all these girls are jealous.

Is it wrong that Bex likes to have fun and flirt? Should she calm down? Or is Sara just looking for attention? Because I really don’t know anymore.

In my opinion a best friend should put up with your flaws, not pick at them and make you feel crap. I also think that a best friend should love you the way you are and never ask or expect you to change your personality for them. Am I right or wrong here?

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Ashley says…

You haven’t said if her behavior toward Bex bothers Bex at all, or why you have to be involved in something that Bex might not see as a problem. You’re right, you shouldn’t want your friends to change. Which makes one wonder why you want to make Sara change instead of just withdrawing your attention.

Char says…

Right oh! Well, i think personally the last paragraph is correct. A best friend should put up with your flaws and not pick at them to make you feel crap. Actually scrap that. We all have flaws. Some will see your flaw as a great strength and others will see a great strength as a flaw. It’s different strokes for different folks and the same applies to friendship.

In life, we chose our friends. We chose who we like, who we dislike and normally, our friendships are a reflection of our own personas. We tend to make friends with people we are similar to and people we have nothing in common with on the surface, but whom help us grow and become better more rounded pumpkins for it. Friendships are amazing intimate wonderous things to be cherished. Best friends play an awesome part in developing your own identity as a woman in the world. A step down from having an actual girlfriend / boyfriend relationship, sometimes in your teens the feelings of closeness can be just as intense.

When girls form close bonds, close friendships and spend long periods of time together, they become a force to be reckoned with. Just say though, that something changes and the dynamics alter, it can go one of two ways. They can continue to be supportive or they can turn nasty. Your friend shouldn’t have to ‘put up’ with you nor should you ‘put up’ with them, you should, in an ideal world, embrace one another for everything you aren’t and everything they are.

You seem to be on the edge looking in and through watching Sara and Bex, have shaped some radical opinions on what you think could be happening. It could be that Bex is naturally loud and that is just who she is, no bones about it. Or it could be that Bex is insecure and needs to be the centre of attention, especially around guys. This is not uncommon amongst girls. One way to get guys to notice you is to be the loud proud and flirty type, its a way of becoming a character instead of yourself. Only you and Bex know whether this is true or not.

And as for Sara, there could well be some jealousy there. Jealousy that Bex gets attention (but what sort does she get? Perving by randy teenage boys or respect for being a cool chicka?). Sara could well be irritated that yet again, Bex has to be in there like a dogs chapstick, and she could quite frankly be bored of the ‘look at me! look at me!’ charade. And who could blame her? If Sara knows this is what Bex is like and becomes irritated then they should just stop being close. You can still be in the same social circle and not be best buddies.

Sara should sort out her attitude. Whether she is right or wrong, she shouldnt be going about bitching and manipulating people into unkind situations that reflect badly on Bex. Bex should be honest about her actions, and Sara should be honest full stop.

Try talking to Sara, explain that Sara’s actions are having a negative impact on Bex and it’s fair do’s to not like her company, but it’s plain nasty to engineer people into looking down on Bex – for her behaviour, is her behaviour. No-one has a right to critisise or look down upon anyone for anything as we’re all different and we all have a right to be ourselves. If Sara doesnt like it she knows where she can go.

Personally, I try to look at my friends and how they treat others as a reflection on how they may treat me. You need to figure out who is honest, kind, just and true, and stick with them. You don’t need to be a bytch about it, just take a step back and figure out whats really going on, and work from there. As long as you hold your integrity and do the right thing, you will be just fine. Maybe have a quiet word in Bex’s ear about the whole shebang and see if she can tone it down, if indeed, that is the issue.