I want to be just like this cool girl I know

Dear Mookychick,

Please give me some friends advice. OMG! I feel so sad writing this, but oh well. There’s this girl in my school, she’s older than me… and she is amazing!

People says she’s emo and she’s always in non-uniform and dying her hair. She’s gorgeous and skinny and always has a super-hot ’emo’ boyfriend (but is openly bi) and always going to gigs, I can’t go on enough about her…

So… basically… I want to be her! But I’m young, pudgy and don’t have a clue. I started trying to copy her, getting accessories like hers, but it doesn’t quite work, her friends and other people are now calling me “poser” and a “fake” – everyone but her.

I really want to know her and be her friend. And I don’t want to label but WTF is she? Can you help me try and look a bit like her? Because I think she’s beautiful and different.

I want to stand out! I hate being what I am. I’m boring! Plus to what I said about her being bi, I think I am but I told one person and now I’m known as the bender and don’t know what to do, can you help me please?

The girls in the year above me (also members of her fan club) tell me that she’s scene. WTF is that??? Sorry to waste your time but I’m stuck on what to do, please help!

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Magda says…

Hi hon,

What you’re going through is really common, and it’s a shame you’re being teased about it – it’s just looking up to someone and having a role model when you’re young that you try to live up to. This girl you look up to? She probably had a role model at your age, just like you do now. When you’re just starting to develop personal tastes as a teenager, you often pick up on what someone else is doing, admire it, copy what you can and hope it works for you.

To be honest, it’s unlikely she’ll become a friend of yours, because there’s a big difference between 12 and 15 – especially at school, where everyone is separated into years and classes and tends to pick their friends from people outside of school or people in their year. At school, you’ve come across as someone who’s behaving in a certain way to please and impress others rather than taking care of yourself. If you like what you’re wearing and listening to, but just want to expand and refine it? That’s fine! Remember, though – everyone wants friends they really like being with, not just friends who wear the right clothes.

It’s important to accept you won’t please or impress everyone. So you might as well please and impress yourself. Yes, her personality sounds very charismatic, but it’s not your personality – there’s no point suddenly learning to be bolshy, or having the exact same accessories in the hope that the coolness will rub off on you (although that is a very natural thing to wish for). You’ll find your friends by being your own special self. You can be alternative and have a cool personality without being bolshy. Some cool alternative types are often sensitive to other people, good listeners, quick to pick up on what’s really going on, got a good sense of humour – maybe that’s you? Look how honest you’ve been, and how aware of your situation you are! I think you’ve got some good qualities and by focusing too much on copying this girl you’re not really giving yourself a chance to shine.

BTW, yes, it sounds like she’s ‘scene’ – ‘scene’ is just a mix of stuff, a bit of this, a bit of that. A bit of goth, emo, cute, whatever you fancy. One of the things you like about this girl is that she seems to have gone her own way and made her own decisions about who she ‘is’ (remember, her cool clothes and string of emo boyfriends don’t define her, I don’t really know who she is on the inside) and what she enjoys. That’s the way round it should be – decide what you like, decide what you enjoy, then maybe – or maybe not – other people will pick up on it. Only buy what you can afford to wear, and only buy something if you think it suits you. Pick your friends because their company makes you feel relaxed, more confident. Hanging round this girl will make you feel less confident, because you’ll always be one step behind, running to catch up.

In fact, at twelve you’re already doing fine if you know what bands you like, and so on. Hell, in three years’ time you’ll be 15 and there might be a twelve year old who wants to be just like you. Have you thought of that? And you’ll be flattered, and although you’ll prefer the company of your own friends you’ll probably wish her luck and hope she becomes who she wants to be one day.

The REALLY important thing right now is to constantly find out what YOU like doing and listening to. And don’t worry about bi feelings – it all works itself out and goes where it wants to go in the end.

Start thinking happy thoughts about yourself. Throw the scene template away, and start building a template for yourself. It’ll make you SO much happier in the end…

Good luck xxx