Life lessons from (mostly) romance novels
by Amy Claire Thompson
Our intrepid journalist summarised some of her favourite novels in a sentence to learn their message / life's lesson. The results were disturbing. Read them - then do the same.
As a proud and self-confessed book-geek, I thought that it only proper to compile all the information I have gleaned from books I have read in the past few years for the benefit of the rest of civilisation. So hold on to your hats, people - this is essential knowledge. About life. Gleaned from romance novels.
Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
Vampires sparkle.
Plausibility: 100% (I can't fend off the rabid fan-girls single handed).
- Buy Twilight
Atonement - Ian McEwan
"Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was thirteen?"
Mistakes made in your past will come back to haunt you, and you will never, ever live a happy and fulfilled life.
Plausibility: Oh, get over it. Or just don't give false evidence to courts. Y'know. Whichever.
A Short History Of Tractors in Ukrainian - Marina Lewycka
Ukrainians get all the good names. Seriously. Who wouldn't rather be "Marina Lewycka" than "Generica Smith"?
The main lesson from this book is that it is not a good idea to marry blonde haired Ukrainian gold-diggers purely on the basis of their bust size. Not that I suspect anyone around here was likely to do that anytime soon.
Plausibility: You should already know this. Seriously.
Forever Rose - Hilary McKay
It is actually possible to fall in love with a fictional character. Especially one with a guitar who is as exceptionally nice as Tom Levine.
Plausibility: Excuse me while I just stop myself melting now.
The Mediator 7 - Meg Cabot
Ghosts can come back to life.
And drive.
And watch movies.
And fall in love.
Plausibility: Hell yeah! - My friend is bringing me a love-ghost back from California.
Angels - Marion Keyes
Innocent twelve year olds should never peruse their mother's bookshelves and choose books purely because of their covers. Chances are, said twelve year olds will end up selecting the only chic-lit raunchy novel that their mother owns. And be scarred for life.
Plausibility: Five years on, I've never repeated my mistake. Marion Keyes is best avoided on most occasions. When you're twelve? Blegh.
- Buy Angels
The Beatles, Football and Me - Hunter Davies
This is neither a novel, nor a romance. Why in hell am including this?
When writing your memoirs, it is advisable not to discuss the number of times your wife turned you down before she finally gave in and went out with you... or, indeed, how you screwed up your first date.
She might change her mind.
Plausibility: Google tells me they're still together. But it's not worth the risk.
Wicked - Gregory McGuire
Your son will always know that you are his mother.
Whether or not you know it yourself.
Plausibility: In the circumstances, possible.
Narrow Dog To Carcassonne - Terry Darlington
See - "The Beatles, Football and Me". Oh dear, oh dear.
It's possible to develop emotional attachments to fictional dogs.
That's a new one.
Plausibility: I now want a whippet.
The Princess Diaries - Meg Cabot
It is possible to write a feminist teenage romance novel.
Plausibility: YES. THANK GOD. THERE IS HOPE YET.
Lessons you will have learned from reading this:
1) I went through a "Meg Cabot" stage
2) I cannot help myself where fictional characters with guitars are concerned
3) Vampires sparkle
4) My friend owes me a ghost
More importantly, now it's your turn. Read a book. Summarise its message or life's lesson in one sentence. Then post it on the Mookychick messageboard. In the library, no-one can hear you scream.
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Amy Claire Thompson is a seventeen year old pixie (contrary to popular belief, she is not actually a vampire, thank you, Sarah) living somewere in the north of England. She is resolutely Welsh, and is loves many things including losing to her friends at cards, cups of tea, and chocolate biscuits. She is bored at the moment, as you can probably tell, from the fact that she is writing about herself in the third person. This is the kind of bio she would like to have been published in the "Literary Den Book Of New Fiction 2008", where her bio unfortunately makes her sound stupid and shallow. Although she admits this is true, she likes to consider herself a good enough actress to cover it up most of the time. Visit her blog.
