Cameron and Clegg. The Unbelievable Truth.

Cameron and Clegg. The Unbelievable Truth.

The truth about how the UK Con Dem coalition came to be. Now with added peacock udder.

Cameron – “Look. OK Nick, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. How about I give you a million pounds?”

Clegg – “What…?”

Cameron – “Think about it, Nick. You and your spanish bit could go away, see the world, we could put that member of sum41 in your place and no-one would be any the wiser.”

Clegg – “But – ”

Cameron– “It’s a good offer. It’s an offer for change, Nick, there’s no denying it.”

Clegg – “Change?”

Cameron – “Change! Change Nick! Change is f*cking amazing! F*cking CHANGE, man. I’m getting changed right now!”

Clegg – “Hh my god, is that -”

Cameron – “That’s right, Nick. My lower dangler looked a bit too much like a red tie for my liking, so I had it burnt off, and put the head of a fox in its place.”

Clegg– “Oh dear God that’s-”

Cameron – “CHANGE, Nick. That’s the ticket! Now, about this million-”

Clegg – “Look, I don’t want it.”

Cameron – “Really? Cos that’s… that’s never not worked.”

Clegg – “Look, you know the deal, if I come in with you now, I’m going to look like a tit.”

Cameron – “A tit?”

Clegg – “It’s like a breast, but… more fun”

Cameron “……………….I see.”

Clegg – “Though to be honest, none of the bastards f*cking voted for me.”

Cameron – “Well, exactly.”

Clegg – “They promised.”

Cameron – “I know they did.”

Clegg – “We did pinkie swears Dave-”

Cameron – “Jesus Christ”

Clegg – “And then they.. f*cking…”

Cameron – “They’re wankers, that’s why. Would you like some peacock udder?”

Clegg – “Thats, that’s not even -”

Cameron – “I like my udders furry, you see, so had the damn animal things fused together”

Clegg – “But… but peacocks aren’t even furry.”

Cameron “Nick, please. “Dog udder” sounds f*cking horrible. Sam would rip my balls off. Well, she would. If I hadn’t turned them into diamonds.”

Clegg – “True.”

Cameron– “CHANGE!”

Clegg – “What?”

Cameron – “Nothing, sorry.”

Clegg – “You need to give me this electoral reform thing, Dave.”

Cameron – “We have. I told you. We will totally open up our discussion panel to the possibilities of of *mumble mumble 1974 mumble and seriously, have some udder”

Clegg – “For f*ck’s sake, i can’t go back to them with that. They’ll have my f*cking arse”

Cameron – “Oh Nick, come now. Lets just do this step by step. Seriously. We believe in you. You believe in us. Come on, give me a hug.”

Clegg – “What? Oh, alright then.

Cameron – “Come here, you.”

*sounds of a tustle*

Clegg – “What the hell are you doing?”

Cameron – “What?”

Clegg – “What the sh*t is this? Is this.. have you just poured some blue paint down my back?”

Cameron – “It looks great. Seriously.”

Clegg – “I’m off. If anyone asks, we clashed on the NHS and I stabbed you with a sword made of gold. Call my wife, and tell her we’re leaving. Spain doesn’t have to deal with this sh*t.”

*He leaves*

Cameron – “Change!”