The importance of having a hip flask

The importance of having a hip flask

I’m sitting here, pondering what single thing would drastically improve the quality of my life. I thought it would be chocolate, but I was wrong. The next obvious step is alcohol, but that doesn’t seem to be working either. It’s just so unsatisfying to simply sip my booze from a glass and somewhat quite uncouth to be drinking it straight from the bottle. Especially if it’s a bottle of gin.

What was needed, what I desperately needed, to make my life perfect, was a hip flask. I’m not talking about a zebra-print fake fur lined Thermos, though that would be a most hip flask indeed. I wanted a nice little silver flask, which would slip so unobtrusively in my bag. It would revolutionise my life. Utterly.

The hip flask is a wonder of modern design. Simple and yet so very effective. The perfect way to disguise your alcoholism whilst remaining chic and cultured. They also make it so easy to add a bit of spice to your morning coffee surreptitiously. Or afternoon tea. Or evening cocktail. You find it easier to get away with saying ‘it’s medicinal’ when you’re sipping from a silver flask rather than a brown paper bag. Not that I’d be seen dead drinking from a bottle in a paper bag. Often.

They come in so many shapes sizes and colours that you’d be mad not to own one. The virtual car-boot sale that is eBay currently has over 800 on sale. Every single one is a treat and a half. Harrods has a quite wonderful selection too. Though it may take you a while to find them, hidden away as they among the Smokers’ Requisites. Failing that, every pawnshop in England usually has several on offer.

My current one is a nifty little affair, with an unobtrusive corporate logo etched onto the side. I got it for free, because being Mooky has its benefits. It has totally changed my life, I don’t know how I lived without it. No longer will the sound of clinking bottles accompany my every step. The days of running into Oddbins and seeing how much I can drink before they call the police will be a distant, if somewhat foggy, memory. Never again will I be bereft of rum.

Incidentally, rum is perhaps the only drink to be put in a hip flask. Some people might want brandy, but I think that only ever tastes good when drunk from the barrel hung from a St. Bernard’s neck. Which is more difficult to arrange than you’d think. Whisky is no good without ice; you really shouldn’t be putting any of the clear spirits in there. So rum is the only way to go. And what a way to go.

As I sip from my flask now, I ponder what other single thing would drastically improve the quality of my life. There’s a DVD box set of every single episode of The Avengers featuring Emma Peel for sale on eBay. I can’t help but wonder; could my life really be considered complete without it?