Clause 28

Clause 28

When it comes to the abolishment of Clause 28 – hurrah! – and the eternal lies of politicians – boo! then sometimes the only thing you can do is to explain, in very nice and precise detail, exactly why it would be better to vote for pirates or monkeys. Or a monkey dressed as a pirate.

This speech was made by guest speaker Deborah Taylor at Nottingham Pride 2009. If only we could have been there. Hmm. If only David Cameron could have been there…

The recent outcry over Politicians’ expenses has proved once again that they are not to be trusted. The expenses scandal was interesting. Partly because it was made into a bigger story than it actually was – I mean, page one, Politicians lie, page two, the sky is blue and grass is green. The thing that I found most interesting was that in building an island for his ducks, Sir Peter Viggers created the closest thing that the Tories have to a social housing policy.

It’s important to remember that MPs lie, when you look at David Cameron’s recent apology for the Tory Party’s behaviour to Gay Rights, most notably Clause 28. (Though if Cameron is going to start apologising for every socially destructive thing the Tory Party did, he’ll be at it for a very long time.) In the hope of an invite to one of Elton John’s parties, he apologised to the Gay Community for Clause 28. Even though he voted to keep it during the debate in which it was abolished.

But he’s all for Gay Rights, he told us this at London Pride 2009. Even though he wants to refuse IVF treatment for LGBT couples, because he believes that children should be brought up in what he considers to be normal families, with a mum and a dad.

So, he’s all for Gay Rights, except when he’s voting in the House of Commons, or sorting out the Tory manifesto. All for Gay Rights, except when it comes to doing anything to support, promote or create rights for Gay people.

Speaking as a Socialist Marxist, I admit I may be a bit biased in my attacks. But in the interests of fairness, I will point out that the Labour Party is full of lying shits too. It’s just more fun to take the piss out of the Tories.

This brings us to pirates. Trust me, this is not the biggest logical leap I’ll be making, so it’ll be a lot easier if you try and keep up. How can I go from Politicians to pirates? One’s a group of marauding, amoral, lying, cheating thieves, who would sell their own grandmother for a quick profit. And the others are pirates.

I’m not talking about the Somalian pirates here, because they are a little too vicious right now, but the ones from the 17th Century. Obviously, they aren’t all like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. They were, in reality, quite bloodthirsty – but pirates show us a lot of good behaviours, for a bunch of proto-anarchic punks. The Captain and main crew members were all elected by the crew, based on results and the good they could bring to the crew. So a pirate ship was basically a floating democratic commune.

If a pirate was injured in combat, there was a set level of compensation depending upon the severity of the injury, which means they also had the basis for a welfare state. A ship’s doctor also meant they had healthcare which was free at the point of delivery.

The treasure they took was distributed fairly amongst the crew, for the best of the ship. A socially aware manner of distributing wealth based on both need and ability, which is a little like capitalist Marxism at work.

This gives us a democracy with a working health service, a good financial return for your work and welfare state for those injured at work. Why are we still here?

Pirates mostly targeted ships from the East India Corporation, historically the world’s first multi-national corporation. This makes them anti-capitalist activists too.

Admittedly they weren’t that hot on equal rights, so if a woman wanted to live the life of a pirate, they had to disguise themselves as a man, which Anne Bonney and Mary Read famously did. But, considering Anne Bonney was sleeping with her captain, you realise the disguise didn’t have to be that good.

Finally, pirates were mostly quite gay. Another thing Disney missed out in their pirate movies. In the late sixteen hundreds, so many pirates were living in gay partnerships that the Governor of Tortuga shipped in prostitutes to try and straighten them out. All that did was make the place fall into a state of depravity it hadn’t previously seen. Which just shows what happens whenever politicians try and get involved in things that are working very well by themselves.

Which then brings us to monkeys. I did warn you that you’d need to keep up. Sorry. But monkeys are social pack animals. They are intelligent enough to recognise grammatical errors in texts, which is more than most school children or bloggers.

Monkeys will perform acts of kindness, for little reward except for the good of the pack. They will also protest at what they see as an injustice – for example, another monkey getting a better reward for completing the same task.

They teach their children to floss their teeth, showing good parenting skills, even though they still give into their children’s pestering.

The Russians are considering sending monkeys to Mars. And, from what I’ve seen on the television, they absolutely love eating Cocoa Pops.

All of which makes them more human, humane, braver and socially aware than any MP. Admittedly, the chimp I saw in the zoo recently (which ate its own sh*t from the walls of its enclosure, then stuck its finger up its arse to have a piss) isn’t one I suggest you vote for, but at least its table manners are better than most Tory MPs.

If you’ve kept up, for which I thank you, you may agree that pirates or monkeys are better alternatives than most MPs to represent us in Government. Which also means that a monkey dressed as a pirate would be the supreme candidate. Certainly the best-looking. A pirate dressed as a monkey would just be silly.

If that is the case – if a monkey dressed as a pirate could do a better job than, say, Boris Johnson – then what’s the point of voting for politicians? After all, it only encourages them. Well, for a start, we can hope that they may get something right, that they may, possibly by chance, do something good. But, on the whole, we need to take some of that power back.

Why give power to people who will piss away money on phone lines and websites that break down, just to tell us how to cope with flu? I can do that for free now – take some paracetamol and go to bed until you feel better. Job done.

There’s the mythical thing called the Pink Pound, a wonderful thing that is abundant. Perhaps it is, and if it is, it can be used for good. If there’s a Pink Pound, there can be a Pink Pound Marxism. It’s simple: Buy the right products. Buy Fair Trade products; buy from your local stores, rather than the out of town super markets. Think globally, act locally.

Give to charities, preferably ones with no political goal, but promote human rights and environmental issues whenever you can. Give your support to those who truly need it.

Don’t bother with liars who just want your vote.

Spend your money wisely and ethically.

But keep the receipts and see what you can claim on expenses.

Monkey pirate – scientifically proven to be more worthy of a vote than a politician.