Exploring Bi… A Teenage Personal Experience
A teenage mook speaks of her experiences of exploring her sexuality, what kind of reaction she received at school and where she stands now.
As inevitable as growing up is, so is (for most, at least) confusion in sexuality. I had never given much thought to it before grade 8. And what reason did I have? But as I gained an increasing degree of access to the internet, I started delving into the world of sexuality. That was when I first learned what bi meant. And that was when I also began noticing that I found other girls attractive. I had no idea whether that meant I was bi or not. Even to this day I’m not quite sure.
Whatever it was though, I couldn’t bring myself to tell even my closest friend, for fear of judgment. I was already judged enough, having been a chubby gal all my life. I didn’t want anybody thinking I was some sort of strange sexual deviant or something! So as the year went on I hid my secret attractions, feeling embarrassed and guilty for keeping my best friend out of the loop. Then high school came around.
The beginning of my first year I was dating a boy, who eventually revealed to me that he was bi. Honestly, I was relieved that I knew somebody else who felt what I did. Then one of my friends revealed that she was too. For once I wasn’t embarrassed for my feelings, and I was able to reveal to them that I, myself, though I was bi.
To make a long story short, my boyfriend and I didn’t work out. And as I found my one other bi friend supporting me, I found myself falling for her. I don’t know (and will probably never really know) if my “feelings” for her were legitimate, or if it was just the need I felt, as a teenager, to explore new opportunities. I asked her out, but she said no. She already had a girlfriend. But following a bad breakup between them and lots of comforting on my part, she and I began dating. And somehow, everybody at school knew about it.
To walk down the hallways of your school, already a sad social neophyte already and now having to factor in the whispers of “I heard she was LGBT and dating some chick”? That was not the most comfortable situation. But my new girlfriend and I resolved ourselves to ignore all of it. It went on for the whole three months we dated. Then it all ended one day when I saw her kissing her ex.
I came out of freshman year as a chubby bi who may not have had the best experience with women. But that need to explore drove me to come out of my shell, and ultimately left me with memories that I would never trade.
So to all ye who fantasize about your fellow femmes, fear not! There are others just like you! And whether you are just entering the world of sexuality or have been a resident for decades, it may be worth it to explore any and all options available to you.
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