8 Ways to Fail at Everything

fail at everything


Being a success is hard work. Achievement requires all sorts of… stuff, and things. Why even try?

Achievement? Hard work? I don’t know about you, but I just can’t be bothered with all that, so I may as well go straight for failure. After all, you’re going to end up there, anyway. Why even try?

So here are the absolute 100% gauranteed routes to abject failure. Unless you’re born into money, but I’m sure you can figure out how to get cut off all on your own.

1: What other people think matters

It matters SUPER MUCH. I mean, what would mum think about your dream? That it’s stupid, that’s what! And what about the neighbours? They’ll judge you if you go do that weird thing that makes you happy.

When you worry about what other people think of you, it completely removes the need to think for yourself, therefore ensuring you’ll never develop the self-confidence and ambition to really go for it.

2: Never practice

You don’t need to practice! Talent is enough. There’s no skills for you to learn, you can just coast on pure, raw, natural skill. And if you can’t, is it really worth doing? So, no practice for you!

3: Don’t take criticism

Related to the practice thing: You are just fine as you are. Anyone who criticises you simply doesn’t understand your genius. If you’re just going to be criticised, why bother? After all, never doing anything guarantees your work can’t be criticised…

4: Don’t take risks

Risks are risky. It’s in the name, stupid! Why would you want to take risks? Especially when there’s a chance of success. Best to just live in the mire of mediocrity. No-one can bother you down there.

5: Feel the fear, and let it win

There are reasons to be afraid. People might laugh at you. You might get turned away. You might not be as good as you think. The world is a horrible, scary place and it doesn’t care about you. Let that fear take you over, and you’ll never be in a position to succeed. Awesome.

6: Never send anything off

How are you hoping to fail if your art/short story/essay/text message is actually in front of someone who isn’t you? My God, they might actually like it! How on earth can you be a failure if you don’t keep your work to yourself, never letting another living soul see it?

7: Have unrealistic expectations, and give up if they aren’t immediately met

Not everyone can write a bestseller. Well, you can, and if the first novel you vomit out doesn’t immediately make it, you shouldn’t try any more. Pack up your toys and go home.

8: Never finish anything

Just like I can’t be bothered to finish this artic