Know your apocalypse theories
Zombies. Everyone is worried about Zombies. They’re everywhere. But if that’s all you’re worried about, you’re in denial – there are at least 10 potential apocalypses to plan for (and fear). From crows to cats with thumbs, it’s time to broaden one’s paranoia…
1. Cats with thumbs.
Even the most ardent cat lover knows cats are evil. We know that, if they could, they would enslave us all and use us to work in their catnip plantations. Thankfully, two things stop them. Their lack of organisation, and their lack of thumbs.
The thing is, cats can grow thumbs. Polydactyl cats are cats that grow extra digits on their paws. Often these digits are opposable thumbs. Most people think it’s a genetic abnormality; I think it’s evolution. And when the time comes, the cats will take their new thumbs, and they will crush us beneath them.
To survive, treat all cats nicely. Offer yourself as a slave.
Crows are frighteningly intelligent tool users with complex social structures. Remind you of anyone? Yes, crows are probably the natural successor to humankind. You can see what they’re planning in their black, beady eyes. They even hang around in groups called ‘murders’ so they aren’t really being very subtle here. And – unlike us – they seem to become smarter the larger the group is.
I don’t know how they’re planning to end us, but I know that they are. To survive, don’t throw rocks at crows. Leave food out for them. Learn crow (they can learn human, but it’s politer to meet them at least half-way) and beg for mercy.
The great world serpent will writhe. The wolf Fenris will eat the sun. The world tree quakes at her roots. The Gods will fall. All will be renewed.
How to survive: You can’t. But you might want to pack a cardigan, because once Fenris has consumed his solar snack it will get chilly.
4. Fluffy Bunnies.
Rabbits are adorable, and most people cannot bring themselves to kill them. But they breed, and they eat everything. Breed and eat. Breed and eat. You can’t even eat the rabbits, because rabbit meat lacks certain essential nutrients. You can starve to death even whilst stuffed to the throat on rabbit. It happened in Australia, and they had to introduce myxomatosis to combat it.
But what if the rabbits become immune to the disease my schoolfriends affectionately termed ‘mixing my toasties’? You’ll have to get over the cute fuzzy faces and kill every rabbit you see.
A plague of laziness brings humanity to its knees. Too busy with entertaining lists and funny pictures of cats, we cease to function as a society. It collapses around us.
To survive: Force yourself to sit on your arse less. Stop looking at cats. Unless, of course, they’re living and breathing ones (see ‘Cats with thumbs’).
We all meet someone for whom we feel real, true love. The strength of feeling burns out our brains, leaving us barely functioning. The only way to survive is to use ultra thick cynicism as a shield. Refuse to ever love again. Have empty, meaningless one night stands.
In a moment of madness, I might destroy us all. I can do it. I have the power, and the button. To survive, be my friend and do as I say at all times.
Magic returns to the world. Suddenly, we can make the world bend to our every wish. This goes wrong pretty quickly. You will need to destroy everyone else, before they destroy you. It’s them or you. It’s them or you.
9. The things on the other side.
There are things that live just behind your wall, and they want to get out. When they get out, they will eat time. Don’t let them out. If you do let them out, call The Doctor. He will know what to do.
10. Post apocalyptic literature
More is published every day. Bookstores can no longer hold it. As it piles on top of itself, it casts the world into shadow. In desperation, we burn it. This was a mistake, as the fumes block out the sun. To stop it, start a new literary trend. The cycle will continue.