10 ways to survive a boozy camping trip

Got something to celebrate? A good camp out is the way to go. Well, it can be. If you don’t get eaten by horses. Chased by farmers. Chased by police. Chased by the sleeping bag buddy you just puked on. Face it, there are many things that could so easily go wrong, even in your backyard. Especially in your back yard…

1. Make sure you are fully equipped.

Oh, how joyous and wonderful, It’s 3 am and just starting to rain. You’re cold, wet and generally miserable, your fire has gone out and you’ve just had the last of your comforts (emergency snickers bar/bottle of vodka/thermos flask/last cigarette)…

Not loving the scene? I can’t think of many who would. Thats why it pays to make sure you have a tent. Tramping out is not fun, especially sober in the rain. If you haven’t the faintest idea how to make a bivouac you’re relying on some brain of Britain to bring a tent, you’re probably best buying your own cheap one.

2.Location.

Don’t want to be chased out the tent by an angry farmer at 6AM with a dog and a shotgun?

Make sure your chosen spot is not counted as trespassing or going to upset people in anyway.

Ideally it should be on public land, not too close to houses where people can hear and also easily accessible by road in case of emergency. Always make sure someone knows where you are! Don’t camp in a field full of lifestock either. Especially horses. They scare the crap out of you at 2 O’clock in the morning.

3.Inviting friends

Okay, so you’ve got your tent. You’ve got a nice safe place to camp.

Now you need to find some people to enjoy it with. Ideally you want to be able to fit all of the people in a tent, and you don’t want your friend to bring some weirdo bloke she met in the pub the night before. Keep it to people you know and only have people there if someone can vouch for them. The last thing you want is to have to call your parents the next day to pick you up, only to find your best mate’s cousin’s brother’s mother-in-law nicked your phone the night before.

4.Drinking

If you’re in unfamiliar surroundings it can throw you; trust me, it’s even worse when they won’t stop spinning. Drink in moderation and know your limits (If you’re managing to drink vodka like water, you’ve definitely gone over your limits).

5.Unwanted Attention.

Don’t tell half the country you’re going camping, also don’t advertise yourselves. The last thing you want is for everyone from the pubs and clubs seeing you as they head home and coming to exchange pleasentries. Avoid causing trouble to the extent the police come. They don’t really want to arrest you, they have better things to do. But don’t give them a reason to either.

6.Fire.

Yes, you might be cold and a tad wet – however you shouldn’t start a fire unless you know what you’re doing. The last thing you want is to burn down the forest or wherever you might be. When I say know ‘what you’re doing’, I mean someone who was in girl guides or whatever, not some idiot who just runs in with a can of petrol, dousing everything in a half mile radius.

7.Drunken Romancing

Basically inevitable. If you’re having a party you will want to invite the fit bloke from your neighbourhood. Well, it’s only polite! Make sure you always use a condom. because waking up with chlamydia is not fun.

8.Keeping Warm

Funnily enough when the sun goes down the weather gets cold, through this reasoning I deduced that it gets cold at night. Clever old me. So when I went camping I took a huge ski Jacket, wore several pairs of leggings and tights and several hoodies – not to mention my ultra thick pair of fluffy socks. I did, in fact, look shockingly stupid. But at the end of the night I was all warm and snug in my sleeping bag, whilst people argued through chattering teeth over the single duvet someone had brought with them.

9.Drunks and Tents

Don’t get too attatched to your tent, chances are you won’t recognise it the next morning.

When buying a tent try and make it cheap, cheerful and fairly recognisable – you’d be amazed how easy it is to lose a tent! Try not to fall on the tent – it may break it. Remind everyone how sacred it is. It is their ticket to a dry and marginally warm night.

Another thing – don’t puke in the tent.

It’s just not cool.

10.The Morning After

Providing it was a good party, the area will look like a bomb site. Clean it up you filthy pigs! Don’t leave bottles lying around and pack up the tent. If it’s really wrecked at least take it to the nearest Biffa bin. Another tactical idea is camping near shops. There’s nothing more beautiful than a hot sausage roll after your cold wet night out.

So happy camping guys and good luck!