How to Cope as a Werewolf

How to Cope as a Werewolf

So you’re a werewolf? It happens to the best of us and is nothing to be ashamed of. Honestly. No, we have not just crossed our fingers behind our back.

It’s time for Werewolf 101. Whether you’re urban or rural you’ll be struggling to control those urges and feeling disheartened and misunderstood. We can help…

1. Tell everyone you’re allergic to animals. People will go out of their way to hide their pets when you come over, and no-one will get to see the pets’ hostile reaction. If the furry miscreants bark or hiss from the next room their owners will assume it’s because they’re shut away. Ha, ha. You = 1. Pets also = 1 because they’re still alive. If you have a pet yourself, it might be best if you consider finding them a new home.

If a female werewolf, you will not have many apt role models. There are not many known female werewolves. Your new girl crush will be Nina from Being Human

2. Carry dog treats in your pocket. As the full moon approaches, control the beast within by rewarding it with canine treats when it behaves. Kept your temper? Have a treat. Didn’t break that TV / washing machine / gymn / face that annoyed you so? Have a treat. Disgusting for you, delectable for the wolf.

3. Keep a calendar. Get a calendar that displays the phases of the moon and make sure you know exactly when it’s full. Check off each day so there’s no room for mistakes.

4. Keep a diary. Note daily changes to your body and soul in a securely locked diary so you know what to expect for next time. If you’re worried your diary might fall into the wrong hands, pretend you’re tracking your (heavy) period. “Dear Diary, there was quite a lot of blood today when I least expected it and I had to clean the bathroom from top to bottom. I’m so embarrassed and feel so awkward about my time of the month… perhaps I should avoid humans people today.”

5. Turn one room into a cage. The last thing you want (trust me) is to wake up and find you’ve eaten all the neighbours. So awkward. Pick a room and make sure you can’t get out on “your special night”. Whether it’s the basement, shed or bathroom, block the door with something heavy so there’s no chance of escape. If you live with your parents, pretend you’ve developed an interest in non-digital photography, a hobby which demands holing yourself away in the shed and not allowing anyone to open the door. They’ll be so pleased you’re not going out drinking or doing drugs they’ll practically lock you in themselves. You’ll need to start taking pictures all the time but you may actually get quite good, which is a plus.

6. Leave a chunk of meat in the room. If the worst happens and you go on the rampage, this innocent yet raw and bloody chunk of meat will be the perfect damage control. A werewolf is an angry beast, but a hungry one is furious. Go to the butcher and pick out the biggest bit you can (it’s worth the investment). If you live with parents they’ll notice any meat that’s gone missing so don’t think you can do it on the cheap by raiding the freezer.

7. Buy some doggy activities. Like any other dog, a wolf gets bored and destructive. They’re much less likely to damage the walls or even escape if there are plenty of squeaky toys and exercise games to amuse them.

8. Shave regularly. As a werewolf of any gender you are sure to be a feminist on account of having a particularly healthy respect for minority groups. It is often said that hair is a feminist issue. In any other situation, we would advocate doing what you want with your body. In your case? Shave. Unless you’re planning to stand up and become a spokesperson for a werewolf visibility campaign, your life and freedom could depend on it.

9. Run with the pack. Werewolves are solitary by necessity but pack creatures by inclination. Scout out forums and meets dedicated to the emotional and social needs of fellow werewolves. Play safe, and never post your age, gender or location. The rest is up to you, LordFang / GingerSnaps / HairyMary. A problem shared is a problem halved, and be assured that there’s someone out there who understands.

Welcome to your new life as a werewolf. Enjoy it. Revel in it. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger; it’s what kills everything else you need to worry about.

If you enjoyed this guide but want to delve deeper into the female werewolf in modern culture, we suggest: (a) this Mookychick article on female werewolves and (b) this thesis by on “Hair, Thuggish Women: Female Werewolves, Gender, and the Hoped-For Monster”