How to deal with the monster in the wall
Monster DOs and DON’Ts – A guide to unwanted paranormal tenants, with plans for both action (yay) and inaction (dangerous).
The issue of the Monster in the Wall is often woefully overlooked; either because people wilfully ignore their monster, or because the signs are too subtle to easily detect. Such signs include, but are not limited to:
- Strange noises in the night
- The presence of an eerie glow (usually green or purple or demonic red)
- Minute shifts in the dimensions of the room
- Random objects going missing
- Tentacles emerging from the skirting board.
Consider yourself warned.
You may think you already have a MitW (here referring to the aforementioned monster, but feel free to Google all the fun things this acronym also stands for). You may simply wish to educate yourself just in case, in which case feel free to congratulate yourself on being a perceptive and forward-thinking member of society, and boo to anyone who doubts your mind’s working in any way whatsoever.
DO check that your MitW is a MitW. This might seem too, too obvious – but it is completely within the realms of possibility that your monster may well be anything from pipes to common vermin to a noisy flatmate or neighbour partaking in a boisterous activity of their choosing. Such activities may include Extreme Indoor Crazy Golf or High-Speed Scrabble. If your wall is also someone elses wall, this may be something to consider.
Plan of action…
DO consult your local wizard. This is the first and most effective option when it comes to banishing your MitW. You can find your local Magical Representative in the Yellow Pages, or alternatively just visit your nearest mages college or tourist stand. If you find that your representative is busy or otherwise absent, dont panic. There are alternatives.
DO acquire the services of a monster hunter. Or become one yourself. Remember, 1,000 hours of study and training will go a long way to making you an expert in anything.
DONT consult your local priest. Studies have shown that priests are 78% ineffective when it comes to dealing with MitWs, and there is also a high risk of them calling the authorities should you invite them to participate. Steer clear.
DONT make a blood sacrifice. It may be a suitable arrangement for Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, but its just going to make a lot of mess and be tough to explain to any visitors.
DO get your hands on an artefact of Terrible Power. In lieu of a wizard, locate a suitable relic with which to perform a DIY banishing ritual. Such artefacts include ancient inscriptions on stone tablets, skulls/ash/other remains of deceased otherworldly beings, suspicious-looking jewellery and any kind of stone/gem that sings an ominous Latin chant when you pick it up.
There are numerous ways in which such an object may be used, but a popular choice appears to be holding it at arm’s length, (pointing, of course, towards the offending monster) and shouting Expecto Patronum. Shouting ‘Avaunt’ is also really good, and a bit more old school.
DONT take a power tool to the wall. The wall is not the problem. Not only will you make a huge mess, but you are more than likely to anger the MiTW. Consider Pluto in Ovid’s story of Proserpina; he might be the God of the Underworld, but he’s also a homeowner and sure as hell doesn’t want his roof caving in.
A recent survey amongst the paranormal has shown that three out of four MitWs consider humans on the other side of their property to be a nuisance, particularly when it comes to redecorating/demolition. Please also remember that, if you can hear your MitW, chances are that they can also hear you. The consequences of crossing them are going to be a lot worse than a noise complaint.
Plan of inaction…
DO try and get along. If none of the above are working for you, and you haven’t been horribly maimed/carried off to a different dimension in the process, there are steps you can take to live with your monster. Think of them as a rude houseguest of which you are inexplicably fond, or perhaps your progeny going through a rocky puberty. The following are good offerings to solidify your fledgling friendship:
- Pint of beer, or perhaps a bottle of your best red if your MitW has a more discerning palate.
- A funny anecdote about something that happened to you in the past. If you cant think of anything, lie. You could even include a sly bit of flattery; ”we had a poltergeist in the house where I grew up in, but they weren’t half as witty/charming/attractive/fetid as you” (Switch out the adjectives as you see fit, for biggest impact).
- A virgin. However, please note that this is considered somewhat cliché and may not win you many brownie points. Also, luring people to their deaths is not cool and also illegal.
DO take advantage of your newfound best buddy. As your MitW will most probably not be contributing to the rent, you are perfectly within your rights to exploit them to the furthest degree. Persuade them to scare people you dislike; difficult co-workers, that second cousin that no one really likes, but turns up every Christmas… Set your targets at their ease with a quiet drink then BAM! The Prince of the Damned pops out of the wall. Ethically unsound, but most amusing if you’re not on the receiving end. Alternatively, if you are really close, you can perhaps ask your MitW to do a bit of heavy lifting for you, or to scratch your back in the hard-to-reach spot. If you have a garage band, don’t forget to sample their snarls and groans.
So there we have it; you are now fully equipped to handle your MitW with grace and finesse. Best of luck. One last piece of advice…
If it doesn’t work out, move. Cut your losses and run, and never speak of the incident again. Works like a charm.
Under beds is okay. It’s the ones in the wall that are the problem.