How to deter gnomes

evil gnomes

Dear readers, do not be fooled by the pictorial image of the innocent, peace-loving garden gnome tending to his flower bed or vegetable patch. In actuality, the gnome is a pernicious and mischievous creature, hell-bent on world domination.

The first step to get rid of gnomes is to recognise when a gnome has infiltrated your way of life. Although gnomes can be quite dangerous it is more likely that they will be detected for their smaller, more mischievous pranks. Gnomes just can’t pass up the opportunity to steal or hide objects that you leave out (particularly small trinkets). You may find yourself stumbling or tripping over a smooth, flat surface with no obstructions. Copious amounts of typos may occur while writing or typing. Perhaps you have stepped on a sharp, prickly object and then cannot find what it was that jabbed you.

Alas, I have found that there is not much a person can do with mundane means to counteract the annoying tomfoolery of gnomes. Correcting one’s typos does seem to decrease gnome activity in that regard, and if the errors are not caused by gnomes then it should at the very least improve your spelling. Outside of mundane options, those who are not adverse to the idea could try practicing witchcraft. A few well made charms can do wonders to repel gnomes in small numbers.

As stated earlier, gnomes are concocting an elaborate, evil plot to gain world domination. Gnome propaganda is widespread and has led to a general passivity and acceptance of gnomes. Statuettes of gentle, wise-looking garden gnomes are lovingly placed on front lawns. The usual pranks and disturbances perpetuated by gnomes are more often than not blamed on pixies and hobgoblins. Gnomes present themselves as eco-friendly, nature-loving earth spirits. Nothing could be farther from the truth. While the human race is either complacent and unsuspecting, or do not believe in the existence of gnomes, these creatures of evil intent are gathering their army and forging allies. Once such known ally of the gnomes is the deceptively innocent-of-appearance sheep. Yes, sheep; cottony herbivores that graze amongst grass.

Before humans decided to give destroying the planet a go, sheep were ruling the world and trampling it under a fascist, vice-like hoof. These powerful beings controlled the earth using the magical properties of the wool that grows upon their backs. Humans, with the aid of their allies, the wild dogs, captured and imprisoned the sheep, sheering the wool to harness their magical powers. However, cruel and coldhearted as usual, the humans betrayed their wild dog friends and enslaved them too (creating the domestic dog), not wanting to share the power. The dogs that have remained wild watch warily as humans continue to reap the destruction started by sheep, and worry that gnomes will be the next to carry that mantle.

So be vigilant, and do not allow another plague of ruthless leaders wreak havoc upon the land. Gnomes are a vile and dangerous lot; and sheep will stop at nothing to exact revenge upon humankind. Do not let yourself be fooled by gnome propaganda, or be intimidated by their impish pranks. Spread the word – gnomes are evil.

Evil gnome caught spreading mayhem on CCTV

Gnomes are dirty fascists. Much like their allies, the sheep.