Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boos – A Play by Allison Fradkin

“Bibbidi-Bobbidi Boos”

SYNOPSIS

You’ve heard the stepsisters’ lament. Now it’s time for the stepmother to step into the shoes of the Princess of Wails. And who better to get the “bawl” rolling than the winsome and then some Fairy Godmother? Hitherto, the Wicked Stepmother has been perceived as a menace to high society. But is she a mainstream menace? Or, as her Fairy Godmother suspects, a lavender menace? After all, when she sent Cinderella off to the ball, her parting words were “Be gay.” Perhaps the Wicked Stepmother will be a more receptive recipient to that audacious advice…

CHARACTERS

LADY PTOMAINE

50s-60s

open ethnicity

vitriolic vixen

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

50s-60s

open ethnicity

scintillating sorceress

SETTING

A courtyard.

TIME

Once upon a.

At rise, LADY PTOMAINE is pacing the palace courtyard.

LADY PTOMAINE

Checks have mates, glass slippers have mates, even that repulsively resplendent stepdaughter of mine has a mate. What have I got? Misanthropy, solitude, and two tone-deaf daughters—neither of whom was a shoe-in for the throne. They couldn’t even get the shoe on, those homely huge-hoofed half-wits. But just because they’ll be playing Spinster the Bottle for the rest of their lives doesn’t mean my HEA is DOA. I’m at the peak of my widowhood, my womanhood, my hoodwinking. So how in the Disney World have I not managed to bait a new mate? If only there were someone who could get the ball rolling.

(from the wings, someone lobs a box of tissues at her)

I have to do everything around here, don’t I? Including getting the “bawl” rolling. I’ve lost all my faith in inhumanity!

(Lady Ptomaine bursts into crocodile tears. After a moment of this wretched weeping, FAIRAH GODMOTHER enters.)

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Folderol and fiddledeedee. The new bawl-buster in town is me. As a wise woman once said—and I misquote—“If you’d lost all your faith, I couldn’t be queer, and queer I am!” You know, when I said something significantly straighter to Cinderella, she was rapidly reassured. Look, Lady, no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing that your bibbidi-bobbidi-boo-hooing is going to move me, then I am going to take my cue from Bambi and make tracks. Ugh. A face only a fairy godmother could love. As illustrious an illusionist as I am, I’m afraid I am powerless to beautify The Ugly Cry.

LADY PTOMAINE

Just a minute. Are you that magnanimously magical guardian angel knockoff who enabled Cinderella to attend the ball?

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Accurate—provided you replace “knockoff” with “knockout.”

LADY PTOMAINE

So you’re to blame for sending that monstrous message that good always triumphs over evil. You have majes-ticked me off, fairy godmotherfucker.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

That’s Fairah Godmotherfucker to you. Godmother for short. Fairah for shorter. You see, “Fairy” is a mean-spirited, male-oriented moniker that invalidates my true identity as a superlative Sapphic superheroine.

LADY PTOMAINE

That explains the hellacious and capacious cape.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

This isn’t a cape, my dear. It’s a cloak. A cloak of invisibility. You’re wearing one too, except you are cloaked in secrecy.

LADY PTOMAINE

Fiddledee…sticks! I wear my heartlessness on my sleeve.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

As a necessary evil?

LADY PTOMAINE

I…I will go on with my bad self, thank you very much. At least until it is safe to do otherwise, which it never will be. It’s a small-minded world after all.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Indeed. Remember when Prince Charming was seen charming the pants off Prince Charming?

LADY PTOMAINE

Heh. Men really are all alike, aren’t they? But no, I don’t recall that at all.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

How about that time those lethargic layabouts, Snow White and Princess Aurora, were observed copulating instead of hibernating?

LADY PTOMAINE

Sleeping with Beauty, eh? Did Snow White whistle while she worked her magic?

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Snow’s no whistleblower. And neither am I. But I see everything—and everyone, yourself included.

LADY PTOMAINE

And you…see no evil?

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Well, you are the Wicked Stepmother, not the Evil Queen. But alas, the popularity of Wicked did not have a trickle-down effect. What I see is someone subjected to subju-gay-tion. Let’s be realistic instead of antagonistic for once, shall we? There’s a bevy of baddies to choose from, am I right? The one with the Gaston-ishing amount of megalomania. The one who, Ja-far as I’m concerned, is so repugnant, he requires an “au parrot” to keep him in check. Heck, I’m surprised nothing ever panned out between you and Captain Hook-Up.

LADY PTOMAINE

I don’t do crossovers.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Neither do I. Cinderella—that’s the story and I’m sticking to it. But that isn’t the real reason for your lack of interest in these instigators, is it?

LADY PTOMAINE

While it’s true that I prefer the company of those who are similarly sinister, and let’s face it—with my looks, I have my pick of the bitter—for some peculiar reason, villains of the…virile variety have always…well…

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Rubbed your magic carpet the wrong way?

LADY PTOMAINE

My word! That language is entirely out-of-character for such a winsome woman.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

What do you think I am? One-dimensional? Well, I’m not. I’m two-dimensional. And so are you. But all this time, you’ve been hiding your light under a bustle. And that light is a magnificently menacing shade of lavender.

LADY PTOMAINE

Oh, but I…I couldn’t possibly be queer.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

And yet queer you are. In fact—

LADY PTOMAINE

I’m afraid I must head you off faster than the Queen of Hearts can beseech a beheading.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

I thought you didn’t do crossovers.

LADY PTOMAINE

Fairah, to expose my…lovely lavender light would do more harm than good.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Ordinarily—nay, legendarily—you live for that.

LADY PTOMAINE

Putting others in harm’s way is the way to go. I’m hardly going to get a “Way to go!” for putting myself in that perilous path.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

You’ll get one from me.

LADY PTOMAINE

No.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Come on. I’ve got one at the ready.

LADY PTOMAINE

No, I said. I refuse to hustle out from beneath my bustle and you can’t make me.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

(whipping out her wand)

I most certainly can! Have some faith in me, would you, please? Did I steer Cinderella wrong? When I sent her off to that showy shindig, I said: “Have a good time. Dance. Be gay.” And boy, did she ever.

LADY PTOMAINE

But Cinderella’s mate is male-identifying.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Yes, but she had a ball and she lived happily—a.k.a. gaily—ever after. Now that we’ve got that straight, let’s get you comfy-cozy with…being otherwise.

(with a flourish of her wand)

Bibbidi—

(Lady Ptomaine shrieks)

A scream is a wish your heart makes. Bobbidi—

LADY PTOMAINE

(whipping out a cat teaser wand)

Boo! Thought you were the only one around here in possession of a hocusy-pocusy poker, did you?

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Well, if cat don’t beat all.

LADY PTOMAINE

Let the Luci-fur fly!

(A cartoonish combat commences between the two wand-wielders.)

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Where is your fiendish feline, anyway?

LADY PTOMAINE

At a photo shoot for Good Mousekeeping magazine. He was voted “Pussy of the Year” by his peers.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

How egregious.

LADY PTOMAINE

I beg your pardon?

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

How prestigious.

LADY PTOMAINE

I heard you the first time. Not to your liking, eh? Would you prefer “Pussy of the Queer”?

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Are you acknowledging your attraction to the fair sex?

LADY PTOMAINE

Fair? Is that short for Fairah? It’s possible.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

For a vain, vibrant villain to believe in same-sex marriage?

LADY PTOMAINE

That too. Would you cast the first vote?

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

I’d cast the first spell.

(Aided and abetted by their wands, which connect in a conspicuously conspiratorial manner, something magical happens—between them.)

LADY PTOMAINE

Have you ever thought about putting the “mate” in “animated”? Or, in our case, taking it…out?

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Oh, dear. This cannot be happening. Bad girls are bad news. I must be kind to my own stick. I mean, I must stick to my own kind. And you, bustle butt, are not kind.

LADY PTOMAINE

Trying to stick it to me, are you? Ooh, I could just swoon! If only I had the faintest idea how. My, my. You look both dazzled and frazzled, Fairah. I’ll bet you could use a drink.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

No, thank you. I have only a thirst for knowledge.

LADY PTOMAINE

Knowledge is pussy power. Go on. Name your poison.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Lady Ptomaine.

LADY PTOMAINE

At your service. Brandy?

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Best Cinderella of all time. And I will always love Whitney’s portrayal of…me. That version of our story—so many steps in the right direction.

LADY PTOMAINE

I think one Step in the right direction will suffice for the time being. Stepmother, may I take one Cinderella step forward? Yes, you may.

(index finger pressed to the top of her head, she twirls toward Fairah)

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Um, as I was saying, that take on our tale was terrific because of the introduction of inclusivity and, well, I know we’ve got a ways to go, but… Oh, that reminds me: Way to go!

LADY PTOMAINE

I don’t often gravitate to gratitude, but…thank you.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

See? See, this is why being out should be in. That way, no one has to be invisible. They can be outvisible. Visible for short. Out for shorter. Because visibility isn’t outrageous; it’s advantageous and courageous and—

LADY PTOMAINE

                                    (singing, to tune her out)

Ohhhhh, sin, sweet nightingale. Sin, sweet nightingale. Thigh-igh-igh-igh-igh above me.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

You kiss your fairy godmother with that mouth?

LADY PTOMAINE

Not until the stroke of midnight.

(sighs dreamily)

Ten minutes ago I saw you, and we murdered our How-do-you-dos. And now…

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Put them together and what have you got? Bibbidi-bobbidi boos.

LADY PTOMAINE

Boos for short. If I hear that infuriatingly infantile incantation again…

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Do you realize what you’ve just said?

LADY PTOMAINE

Of course. I said If.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

As in: If you know what’s good for you, you’ll rephrase your response respectfully.

LADY PTOMAINE

If I must. I mean…when I hear that infuriatingly infantile incantation again, my rainbow will come smiling through and I’ll coo: You do you, boo.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

You know something, Lady? I think your HEA will come out A-OK. I will make you happy. That’s a warning, a promise, and a threat.

LADY PTOMAINE

Evildoer.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Ah, ah, ah. Not until the stroke of midnight, remember?

LADY PTOMAINE

(crying happy tears)

You got every ball in the book rolling, didn’t you?

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

(as she dries Lady’s eyes with tissues)

Consider yourself royally screwballed. Speaking of the zanies and fools of which your world is full, do you think your daughters will take the news well? You will be straightforward with them, won’t you?

LADY PTOMAINE

Now, now. Going forward, I no longer identify as straight. But I will be honest with them. And they will be justifiably jubilant for me. If they aren’t, I’ll simply bawl them out—kindly. Kind of.

FAIRAH GODMOTHER

Who would ever believe that Lady Ptomaine—hateful, hurtful harridan whom everyone loves to loathe—could one day go from zero to queero? Me, that’s who. As my people are prone to proclaim: Impossible things are happening every gay.

Curtain.