My depressed boyfriend lives with me

My depressed boyfriend lives with me

Dear Mookychick,

I have a dilemna, as most that write to you do. I find I can’t talk about this with anyone due to recently moving, so I have no friends, and I want someone to come at this without bias, or, well, making it a big deal and ‘effing everything up.

In august I went to a local concert with friends, who had brought this guy out as well. Our connection was odd, but that night, we didn’t talk much, just smoked and sat around with each other. Later we all went to a coffee shop, a place I hung out regularly, but as late as it was and leaving my bike downtown near the venue, I was stranded. I ended up going to his house to watch movies, and I was later going to try to walk home 10 miles, at like 4am.

I ended up not leaving, we had sex, it was my first time so I automatically became fixated on him. I had never met someone like him, I grew up with both my parents being ‘gawth’ so my ideals where made then. I had never met such a pretty goth boy in my life. He was perfect, he knew all the music I grew up with and loved. I just loved everything about him. Then I found out he was 25, me being only 15, this posed a problem. So two weeks went by, I went through my first bought of teenage angst for him, I feel as though the laws should be changed just for me…. I’m going on about the set up to much I’ll get to the actual point.

He moved in with me and my dad when we moved to a different city, away from my friends, away from the place that in only one year had become my home. I have moved every year all my life, so I’ve never had people really close to me. Moving away was horrible. For that year I was there was the first year I actually got to be a teenager, I knew everyone, everyone loved me, I was almost a celebrity there.

So here I am, alone. I have my boyfriend but every day is hard. He barely touches me or talks to me, and I can’t ever make him happy. I go out of my way to do so much for him, because all I want is for him to be happy, but I find I only disappoint him. It makes sense I’d date someone that reminds me so so much of my mother. It feels like he’s always mad at me. Here I am, isolated and alone, feeling completely unloved.

I know I won’t be with him forever; I know his depression is not healthy for me, I thrive on making people happy. At the moment, though, I don’t know what to do. I’ve already lost my teen years and I’m only 15. I don’t go to school because I’m too sick to actually go, so I have no place to go meet people. The city I’m in now is so much bigger and corporate than where I was. It doesn’t help that my boyfriend doesn’t want to go out, and has lost his will to actually go out. Basically because of his age he feels he can’t be like that anymore, but I want to get memories of my teen years, not just be stuck at home all day everyday smoking cloves and drinking Diet Dr. Pepper whilst going online.

Whenever we go out, he’s not happy, so I lose the will to even try, I just want to leave and go home. I want all the things you go through, I want someone to actually try to romance me, I want the butterflies. With him it was never like that, he’s really never done anything for me. When I first met him I even took off a day of school to help him move and clean the place he was staying at, because I just love to help. He’s just so jaded by his past that I don’t get special treatment.

He is my first boyfriend, and the first guy I’ve done anything with, I’ve been hard to get all my life. I used to have people write poems and songs about me, had people adore me, I’m the girl that every girl first feels bi-curious about even, now it feels like I have nothing.

So I’m depressed, and I don’t know what to do to save myself from my own choices. Sorry for being so scatter brained in writting this, I can’t even seem to get all the details I want in it even though it’s so long.

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Amanda says…

Dear Girl,

You’re being a bit mysterious here. There seems to be a few facts missing. 1) How come your dad encourages a relationship between his daughter of 15 and a saddo freeloader male of 25? Maybe your (technically rapist) goth guy reminds him of your mother, whom you both miss, as well? 2) You mention you’re too sick to go to school – whether it is through depression sick or biological sick – this situation you are in, is not making you any better.

You don’t say what happened to your mum, but the point is that she’s not with your father and yourself anymore, for one reason or another and you miss her like hell. I would guess that your dad is in a bad way about it too, and is not coping very well either. He’s turning a blind eye to your relationship with this older bloke and ignoring the fact that older bloke is getting you to run around after him and making you unhappy. I guess your dad’s so deep in his own grief, he can’t see the woods for the trees.

Before all of this happened, it sounds like you were a popular, outgoing and very cool, attractive girl. I suspect you still are but you just don’t see it you feel low. Also, the loss of a parent, your illness and the move to another area has no doubt contributed to this.

First of all, ditch the boyfriend – he sounds like bad news. What is a 25-year old man doing dating a 15-year old schoolgirl? He sounds a real pervy creep. Believe me, when you are 25, you will sooooo look down on men that date 15-year olds. Sh*t! What sort of old creep takes sexual advantage of a young virgin who’s stranded far from home overnight? Secondly, bond with your dad – you need each other and should try to support each other. Maybe even go to counselling together to sort out your feelings about your mum. Then work on your health so you can go out, have fun, meet new people and take up where you left off with having a normal teenage life again. At 15, you’re only half-way through your teens and there’s plenty more fun to enjoy, friends to hang out with and boyfriends to snog! Don’t give up and don’t rush things! > PS – I assume you’re mature enough to be using contraception. The last thing you need is to get pregnant. So be extra careful!

Ashley says…

This boy is ten years older than you and moving in with you and your dad? He’s a mooch and legally a rapist. You’re hung up on him because he’s your first, but if he doesn’t have the sense to know he took advantage of you in a hundred ways, then it’s not surprising he’s only got the sense to be a leech from now on. With no capacity to make himself happy, he’s dragged down and dragging you down to his level.

Look, darling, this is just one of those classic cases of an unfortunate girl who’s never had a good boy. Don’t get stuck with this one, summon up the courage to dump his black-eyelinered butt on the street and trust that you’ll soon find plenty of lovelier boys (and girls, if you want) with whom you can refresh your soul.