Life lessons from romance novels

Life lessons from romance novels

Our intrepid journalist summarised some of her favourite novels in a sentence to learn their message / life’s lesson. The results were disturbing. Read them – then do the same.

As a proud and self-confessed book-geek, I thought that it only proper to compile all the information I have gleaned from books I have read in the past few years for the benefit of the rest of civilisation. So hold on to your hats, people – this is essential knowledge. About life. Gleaned from romance novels.

Twilight – Stephenie Meyer

Vampires sparkle.

Plausibility: 100% (I can’t fend off the rabid fan-girls single handed).

Atonement – Ian McEwan

“Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was thirteen?”

Mistakes made in your past will come back to haunt you, and you will never, ever live a happy and fulfilled life.

Plausibility: Oh, get over it. Or just don’t give false evidence to courts. Y’know. Whichever.

A Short History Of Tractors in Ukrainian – Marina Lewycka

Ukrainians get all the good names. Seriously. Who wouldn’t rather be “Marina Lewycka” than “Generica Smith”?

The main lesson from this book is that it is not a good idea to marry blonde haired Ukrainian gold-diggers purely on the basis of their bust size. Not that I suspect anyone around here was likely to do that anytime soon.

Plausibility: You should already know this. Seriously.

Forever Rose – Hilary McKay

It is actually possible to fall in love with a fictional character. Especially one with a guitar who is as exceptionally nice as Tom Levine.

Plausibility: Excuse me while I just stop myself melting now.

The Mediator 7 – Meg Cabot

Ghosts can come back to life.

And drive.

And watch movies.

And fall in love.

Plausibility: Hell yeah! – My friend is bringing me a love-ghost back from California.

Angels – Marion Keyes

Innocent twelve year olds should never peruse their mother’s bookshelves and choose books purely because of their covers. Chances are, said twelve year olds will end up selecting the only chic-lit raunchy novel that their mother owns. And be scarred for life.

Plausibility: Five years on, I’ve never repeated my mistake. Marion Keyes is best avoided on most occasions. When you’re twelve? Blegh.

The Beatles, Football and Me – Hunter Davies

This is neither a novel, nor a romance. Why in hell am including this?

When writing your memoirs, it is advisable not to discuss the number of times your wife turned you down before she finally gave in and went out with you… or, indeed, how you screwed up your first date.

She might change her mind.

Plausibility: Google tells me they’re still together. But it’s not worth the risk.

Wicked – Gregory McGuire

Your son will always know that you are his mother.

Whether or not you know it yourself.

Plausibility: In the circumstances, possible.

Narrow Dog To Carcassonne – Terry Darlington

See – “The Beatles, Football and Me”. Oh dear, oh dear.

It’s possible to develop emotional attachments to fictional dogs.

That’s a new one.

Plausibility: I now want a whippet.

The Princess Diaries – Meg Cabot

It is possible to write a feminist teenage romance novel.


Lessons you will have learned from reading this:

1) I went through a “Meg Cabot” stage

2) I cannot help myself where fictional characters with guitars are concerned

3) Vampires sparkle

4) My friend owes me a ghost

More importantly, now it’s your turn. Read a book. Summarise its message or life’s lesson in one sentence. Then post it on the Mookychick messageboard. In the library, no-one can hear you scream.