I Was The ‘Easy Fat Girl’ (But Not Anymore)
I used to live up to the ‘easy fat girl’ stereotype. Personally, I think my low self-esteem and body-related insecurities made me engage in more sexual encounters than I would’ve if I had more confidence. Still, I don’t think myself or anyone else should be judged negatively just for being promiscuous.
I was what people would consider “easy” for most of my life. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence feeling unwanted for my weight. Even after I met my boyfriend (who I’m still with) during my freshman year of high school, my weight was a rain-bursting cloud that loomed over my love life. Once we opened up our relationship and became polyamorous four years later, I was able to experience hookup culture more fully.
Needless to say, I slept around. By merely engaging in sexual activity with multiple people, I fulfilled the negative stereotypes people have about fat women and sex. For instance, I often felt grateful for sexual attention because I didn’t receive it often. I wouldn’t sleep with just anybody, but I did sleep with a lot of people and my standards weren’t very high. There were times I didn’t turn down sex just because I was glad to be having it. I told myself I was hooking up with people because of a high sex drive. Deep down, I realize now I was looking for validation of my attractiveness.
Throughout my childhood, the thought of anyone finding me desirable seemed as likely as a fantasy novel coming true. Boys used to ask me out as a joke. People called me names like “yeti” and “whale.” In the rare event that anyone – and I mean anyone – showed interest in me, I took it as a major compliment. Being perceived as attractive used to be the ultimate high for me.
For a while, I was satisfied with casual sex and friends with benefits. However, I began to notice that nobody ever wanted a relationship with me. I also noticed men would only pursue me for sex and get disappointed if I expected any degree of investment in our connection. I had friends with benefits who’d go for long periods without talking to me, only to make sex the focus of our encounter once we saw each other again. It made me feel as though I’d been reduced to a sex object.
As a fat woman, I’ve noticed that people (mostly cishet men, though) feel entitled to my body. They assume I won’t turn them down because they expect me to be grateful for the attention. Men come onto me without thinking about whether or not I’m welcoming or returning their affection. I’ve noticed men are also the first ones to touch me and never stop to recognize that I’m not even touching them back. It’s like they’ve assumed I’m an easy fat girl without me saying anything. Or, at the very least, they wish I were an easy fat girl. It’s like the patriarchy expects me to be more sexually accommodating to compensate for being a fat woman, as though a man’s sexual attention is some kind of prize.
Eventually, I realized that men felt entitled to my body and that made me feel ashamed. They slept with me, but they didn’t value me. I realized this when I had more unfulfilling sex with a friend and, of course, he expected me to go down on him and not return the favour (probably because I don’t shave my vagina). I began to realize I needed to restrict my sexual encounters to people who are invested in a relationship with me. However, casual sex gave me validation I was too wary to turn away.
That unfulfilling sex with a friend didn’t stop me from seeking kinky friends and play partners on FetLife. First, I met a dom who rushed me into sex and tried to convince me to have sex without a condom. I never gave into his demands, but he took me to a motel the second time we met and we had (protected) sex. Once again, the sex was underwhelming and focused on male pleasure at the expense of my own. Right after we had sex, he went out to eat with his friends. It hurt to just be used for sex and then not cared about or tended to at all afterwards.
However, I have FetLife to thank for helping me realize that casual sex was no longer my thing. It wasn’t until I met a stranger via FetLife that I started to change my ways.
When I first met this older man in his sixties in person, he told me he “didn’t feel any attraction” to me. A couple of months later, he texted me and asked me to hang out that night. I was attracted to him, so I was glad he was randomly interested in me although I knew what he was looking for. In the middle of our hookup, he told me his ex-wife used to have a restraining order against him because he punched her. I told him I no longer wanted to hook up with him. He gave all kinds of excuses (“She put her hand in my face. She doesn’t blame me for doing it.” etc.). When the excuses didn’t work on me, he eventually said that me declining to hook up with him was like “not giving someone a job because they’d been arrested.”
That was the moment when I realized it was in my benefit to actually know the people I hook up with. The encounter made me realize that, for me, sexual activity is personal and should only be shared with certain people – people who know me well and value me as a partner.
I no longer sleep with people unless I’m in a relationship with them. Never make assumptions about how ‘easy’ someone is based on their weight. The fat women I’ve known who engage in casual sex and friends with benefits still have standards. Don’t assume fat women are down to fuck just because we’re fat.
I consider myself sex-positive. I understand the valid reasons why people engage in casual sex and friends with benefits. I’ve just decided it’s no longer for me. I just don’t think assumptions of sexual availability or willingness should be pushed upon someone because of their size and gender. Being a fat woman doesn’t automatically make you easy.
The assumption that fat women are sexually available to anyone who wants them by default is harmful because it robs us of our agency. Fat women are free to reject whoever we please. Nobody is entitled to intimacy with us just because we are fat women.