You know when you’ve been fuckzoned

When he takes an age to reply to your message about your crap day, but send him a sexy photo and he replies instantly…

I was recently informed that the friendzone is a misogynistic concept and this idea appears to be taking seed. Accompanied by screenshot upon screenshot of men complaining that the nice guys never get lucky, it’s easy to understand why this is.

But this is not an example of the friendzone, no matter how many of the douchebags use the term; a self-proclaimed ‘Mr Nice Guy’ is not interested in your friendship if he’s complaining it isn’t getting him laid.

Many of us have experienced deep emotion for a friend – even unrequited love. So many interests in common, so many shared life goals and they may even be attractive too, which can’t hurt. Grieving for a relationship that cannot be is not misogynistic. It is wistful, bittersweet maybe, and not exclusive to women – listen to 90s boyband songs for proof of that. Hell, read some Shakespeare!

Nobody mentions the opposite, and that’s the fuckzone. This place is harder to leave than the friendzone and if you haven’t heard of it, that’s okay as I just gave it the name.

The fuckzone is the opposite of the friendzone. It’s when a person you like sees you as no more than a sex partner and seems completely uninterested in the barest sliver of friendship. Bizarrely, it usually happens after a good chat-filled date, or a particularly interesting conversation during which you realise that the cherry on top of your personal chemistry is your sexual compatibility.

When you’ve got on well, have a lot in common and you’ve started sharing memories and life goals, things can start to get heated. It’s usually the next step. Maybe you flirt, reveal a fantasy or a kink or two. Maybe you have some kind of phone sex. Whatever has happened, the following days reveal a strange cooling of the communication.

This is different from a one-night stand. If you’ve gone to bed with a stranger with no invested friendship, it’s easier to let go. Having a sexy talk with a person you’ve actually made friends with to then be treated like a booty call stings far more. In the friendzone, you’re just a friend – but you could be a close friend. In the fuckzone, you’re just… well, fill in the blanks.

Pick any high school or college-type film. You know the scene with a girl post-house-party; rumpled bedsheets, head in her hands, a guy who just left. The inner monologue: are things going to be okay? Is he going to spread it around school? Is he going to think she’s a slut and never speak to her again, or phone her all the time for a booty call?

This is the equivalent… and you don’t even need to have had sex.

So why is this idea misogynistic? Because it doesn’t happen to men. When did you ever hear of a man worrying all day at work because maybe he let things go too far and maybe she’s telling all her friends right now? The answer is never. It’s ingrained in society that women are not supposed to be too sexual.

“Don’t give it away too soon.”

“He’ll get bored if you’re easy.”

“Why make an effort to earn something when you can get it for free?”

A few years ago, I was called in tears by a friend. She’d been on two fantastic dates with a local barman. They’d spoken every day for a month. On the second date, they, ended up at his house. In the morning, he bought them both coffee and told her how overjoyed he was to find such a sexy, fun person to be around and talk to. She left his place in a joyful fuzz. (I should know – she called me!)

A few days later, he texted her asking if she’d be up for some ‘fun’ later… with him and a couple of his friends. One phone call later and she was single, distraught and asking herself (and me) if it was because she’d had sex with him too quickly. I’m going to guess that HE wasn’t distraught and asking himself the same things…

So this man was a pig (and that’s an insult to self-respecting pigs everywhere) but many budding friendships and relationships have been stopped in their tracks by the fuckzone. Why is it happening?

Does a woman initiating sex cause some men to shut down or to compartmentalize? ‘She can’t be both friendly and sexy. So she’ll just have to be sexy…’

Is it that men have been taught from a young age that women are either ‘girlfriend material’ or ‘easy’, so a woman revealing her sexuality shifts her from one category into another?

I don’t have those answers, I’m afraid. But I’m going to begin the conversation by acknowledging that the fuckzone exists and it’s a product of misogyny.

Ways to tell if you are in the fuckzone:

• He takes an age to reply to a message about your crap day but the second you say you’re naked, he replies instantly.
• Your comments about your interests are made sexual through any degree of mental gymnastics.
  For example:
  “I see you like Battlestar Galactica. Me too – I’m a huge sci-fi fan!”
  “Cool. Yeah, you in Starbuck’s outfit would be sexy as hell… ”
• If you attempt to redirect the conversation onto other lines, you’re accused of being ‘a tease’, ‘evading the question’, or ‘shy’.
• He avoids adding you on social media and doesn’t reciprocate if you support something he’s doing.

There are, as far as I have seen, two ways out of the fuckzone. You either decide ‘screw it’, and then screw him. You are likely to never hear from him again or else be treated as his personal animated funtoy.

OR you can hold out for as long as physically possible until he gets bored of waiting and never contacts you again.
Depressing, right?

So how to avoid the fuckzone in the first place? It’s an easy leap to suggest not revealing your sexuality, and maybe being coy and ‘girly’. Making him court you. But this is the same logic that tells people ‘don’t give in to peer pressure’ but never tells peers not to pressure. The kind of logic that blames women for being harassed in the street because we wear skirts. False logic.

The best thing you can do is once you realise you are in the fuckzone is move on. Find someone who is as excited by your amazing Tex-mex cooking skills or your ability to find rare Pokemon as they are by your sexual compatibility.

See also: Feminism on Mookychick