My Top 3 Dating Tips For Fellow Fat Women

dating fat women fatphobia
| Opinion > Love and Life

As a fat woman, my experiences with love and dating have been different than those of my thinner peers. I’ve noticed fat girls (myself included) making similar mistakes when it comes to dating. Your love life should make you feel empowered, not insecure.

Fat chicks like me deal with a lot of stigmatization and exclusion, especially in our love lives. Fatphobia makes us think that we aren’t “good enough” and have to compensate for our size. I know I’m not the only fat girl who has struggled with low self-esteem before. I wrongly assumed that if loving myself was a struggle, the concept of someone else loving me seemed impossible.

Here are three pieces of advice that would’ve helped me through my dating problems as a fat girl. You’ll probably notice that a lot of this advice is applicable to anyone. However, I think fat girls need to hear this stuff the most:

1. Only give energy to people who date you in public.

Many fat women have the same experience: People (mostly men) try to pursue private sexual relationships with us. They don’t want to take us out, but they enjoy having sex with us. Some outright say they don’t want to be seen with us because we’re fat. Others will restrict our time together to their room or apartment, away from public view.

You should only date people who are attracted to you and not afraid to show it. Don’t tolerate people who try to hide their relationship with you or feelings for you. After you’ve spent a certain length of time dating, a partner keeping you hidden from their friends and family is unacceptable. The people you date should be proud of dating you, not keep you hidden like a dirty secret.

If someone isn’t confident enough to take you out and be seen with you, that’s their problem, not yours. Don’t waste precious moments on a person who doesn’t value you enough to incorporate you into their life. Don’t settle for private sexual encounters when you want a romantic relationship in public.

Speaking of settling:

2. Don’t settle for less.

As a fat woman, I often found myself putting up with less-than-favourable relationship behaviours and dating situations. I did this because I doubted my ability to “do better.” The truth is there’s always room for improvement when someone isn’t treating you right.

Don’t adjust your behaviour because you fear someone might be the last person you ever get a chance with. Be yourself. For instance, don’t think you need to shave ‘down there’ in order to please someone else because you’re fat. Most importantly, NEVER lose weight solely to please someone else. You can always find a person who adores you the way you are.

My negative feelings about my weight lead me to developing a scarcity mindset towards dating. If dating didn’t work out with someone, I dreaded they would be the last person I’d ever have a connection with. Try to cultivate an abundance mindset towards dating. Remember: There are always more kraken in the sea! There are plenty of people out there who would love to date you and treat you right.

Because of this abundance, you are free to choose relationships that empower you. Don’t settle for a friends-with-benefits arrangement when what you want an actual relationship.  FWB and casual sex in general only works when both people are on the same page emotionally. Wanting more out of a relationship is okay, but both people need to want one with each other.

3. Love yourself.

Self-love is one of the most important kinds of love you’ll experience in your life. The transformative powers of self-love border on magical. When your love tank is running on empty, you need to be able to replenish your supply by yourself.

Loving yourself means respecting yourself. When you love yourself, you get a sense of what your boundaries are. It’s alright to have boundaries. The only people who have a problem with your boundaries are those who want to break them.

Love yourself enough to stay single until you meet someone who meets your expectations. (Or, if you’re polyamorous like I am, multiple people.) Hook up with others only if that’s what you want.

Loving yourself means having standards for how people should treat you. For instance, if your date keeps talking about other women and it’s making you uncomfortable, say something and/or stop dating the person. If they can’t focus on you, let that be their problem, not yours, and find someone else who focuses on you. If someone isn’t treating you right, love yourself enough to walk away from that relationship.

If you love yourself, you will become more confident. Self-confidence will improve nearly every area of your life, including your love life. Confidence is an aphrodisiac.

You deserve love and respect from yourself and others. Never forget that.

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