The unbearable lightness of being a pizza


TW: Bodyshaming, fatphobia

You think pizzas don’t get sad? Pizzas get sad 🙁

1. ‘Thin crust’. ‘Deep crust’. ‘Shallow pan’. ’12 inch’. ‘Family-size’. This endless talk of your mass, your circumference. All within earshot. Rude.

2. Sandwiches get meaningful fillings. You just get superficial toppings. When will people start caring about the inner you? Sandwiches have it so good.

3. Dates in town never take you back to theirs. ‘Relationships’ (hollow laugh) last two days, tops.

4. Maybe you’re highly sensitive? You think you might be highly sensitive. But… do people like you most when you’re not around? They appear to be in a serious hurry to get rid of you the minute you show up.

5. Your soul is bitter. Bitter like capers. Bitter, bitter capers. To taste a caper is to taste your tears.

6. When you’re a pizza, you can just about hold it together when you’re alone. In public you go to pieces.

7. You attend far too many questionable parties. Oh, the times you’ve woken up with someone’s shoe in your face. The unforgettable times.

8. You can’t even break someone’s heart, apparently. No. Not like sandwiches.

9. “Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.”. Uh… thanks?

10. You constantly get stereotyped in movies as the criminal element bringing in the gun, the controlled substances, the nail file, even the ransom note in your cardboard box. NOT ALL PIZZAS COMMIT CRIMES OKAY QUIT WITH THE STEREOTYPING.

11. You’re allergic to tomato. This is a problem.

12. F*ck sandwiches.