Why The Smurfs Were Secretly Terrifying

The Smurfs. Blue, cute and harmless… or so it would seem. What was REALLY going on? Were the Smurfs evil? Should we have been cheering on Gargamel instead?

We love the Smurfs, yes? Papa Smurf and his village of little people living deep within the enchanted woods have been entertaining children since The Eighties, beamed from television sets around the globe.

The Smurfs live, work and play under Papa Smurf in unified harmony… Or do they?

We will, Dear Leader. We’re scared what would happen if we didn’t…

Their tiny lives are blighted only by the evil wizard Gargamel and his sidekick cat Azrael, whose sole mission is to catch and eat the little blue buddies. Happily the Smurfs escape every time, but not before half an hour of light-hearted peril has ensued. We laughed at their japes and their smurfy little language. We gasped at the scrapes and adventures. We rejoiced when peace in the mushroom village was restored time and time again.

But were we missing something? A growing body of evidence suggests that not only were the Smurfs far from harmless harmless, they were downright evil. Sinister signs of social engineering can be seen if you look closely enough at those little blue guys in the enchanted forest. Take a look at these hidden clues, but be warned, you may never look at a Smurf in the same way again.

Was Papa Smurf an evil despot who could make Smurfs ‘disappear’?

Let’s begin with Papa Smurf. This guy single-handedly leads a commune of minions who are all given non-negotiable trades and identities. No one argues with him, everything he says goes and he’s revered across the whole community. You have to ask yourself what would happen if people didn’t check in with their Dear Leader every time they looked left or right? Would they be banished? Fed to Azrael in a ceremonious offering?

Smurfdom = Soviet workers’ village. When did Smurfs last vote?

“Hey, these evil smurf guys are doing great. Just picking up some tips, here…”

No money ever changes hands in the Smurf village and all the houses are identical, like those Soviet apartment blocks which are all measured to exactly the same feet and inches. No one ever falls out or has an open disagreement. And when was the last time the Smurfs had a referendum or a vote? They all look about as happy as your average North Korean underneath the jokes and the smiles. Ever noticed that Papa Smurf’s cap is red, denoting his Communist power? And why does everyone wear the same uniform?

Breeding for entirely political reasons is weird.

There’s like, a couple of lady-Smurfs led by Smurfette who seem to provide the reproductive source for the whole village. Whats with that? Is there some sort of seedy little arrangement being made under cover of Smurf-code? Smurfette looks like she’s crying out for help sometimes behind that plastered-on come-hither look.

Gargamel: No more evil than a tiger. Also, anti-Semitism?

“I… Why the hatred? I just want need something to eat. My little cat… he is so *hungry*. WHY MUST WE TURN BLUE FOR FOOD? WHY MUST WE CONFORM TO RECEIVE OUR BASIC RIGHTS?”

Gargamel gets a hard time too. The guy is just trying to get along, make a living and eat a couple of Smurfs here and there, so what? That’s nature isn’t it? And why does he look so Jewish? If you ask me, there’s more than a whiff of anti-Semitism in the good old blue community that no one seems to be talking about.

Conclusion: Smurfs WERE evil and lived in a dictatorship

Based on the compelling evidence to hand, one can only infer that the peaceful little mushroom village is actually a totalitarian Marxist regime, where the female Smurfs are farmed out for breeding and Papa Smurf rules with an iron fist over the unquestioning blue-tinted proles. Anyone who sees a Smurf would do best to brush up on Mookychick’s how to deter gnomes guide before taking further action. Just saying…

About the author:

Emma Taylor is a wordsmith for Girly Night Out. If the theme of your next creepy, politically-charged fancy dress party is ‘Traumatising Dystopian Visions’ (and maybe it should be) then you should probably check out their Smurf costumes.

The veneer of Smurfdom idyll that is presented to us all. LIES.